Dog Bites Man, Jonas Brothers Edition

How often does a security guard in an Arab airport get to bust a white, Christian American for trying to bring a knife on a plane? Alas, while one guard in Abu Dhabi last week did get lucky, the knife-wielder was not terrorist, but a member of that Holy Trinity known as the Jonas Brothers, who was allowed to store the “cheese cutting knives” (and how did that get past the editors?) in the luggage compartment and board the plane.

All of which lead us to the big nothing over the new TSA safety measures.  Now, maybe Jewdar has been jaded by our latest medical travail–in the last few months, we’ve had a an ultrasound, CT scan, MRI X-ray, and been felt up by a lot of people in white coats (three doctors, one slicer at the deli–but an x-ray or pat down seems pretty minor (and, as some have pointed out, the same kind of people who compared waterboarding to a fraternity prank are acting like this is a gang-rape).

But Jewdar would like to focus on the calls for following Israeli-style procedures instead. Those calls come, of course, from people who have no idea what those procedures are, and how useless they’d be in America. In Israel it’s simple. If you’re ascertained to be a Jew, you get through relatively quickly. If not, you get more questions. If you’re ascertained to be an Arab or Muslim, you get even more questions. Now, leaving aside the racial/religious issues, Jewdar’s screening two years ago in Ben-Gurion went something like this (and we were traveling with wife and kids, an Israeli passport, and Israeli in-laws):

Security Guy: And do you belong to any organizations in America?
Jewdar: The Bialystoker Synagogue
Security Guy: And when do you and this organization meet?
Jewdar: If I wake up in time, then I go for shacharis during the week, otherwise, Shabbos morning.
Security Guy: Okay, go ahead.

Now, Jewdar could pass that pretty easily, and we don’t want to harm the business prospects of Israelis who sell themselves as security experts (a position, by the way, which only requires an Israeli accent) but we think most Americans would do a lot better with the x-rays and patdowns.

What do you think?

About The Author


The Tel Aviv-born, Milwaukee-bred Jewdar has a bachelors' from the University of Wisconsin, a Masters from NYU, and an Honorable Discharge from the US Army, where he spent two years as an infantryman in the 101st Airborne Division. He's the co-author of "The Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies", the Humor Editor of Heeb Magazine, and a watcher of TV. Smarter than most funny people, funnier than most smart people, he lives on the Lower East Side with his wife and two sons.

2 Responses

  1. Lena Bilderberg

    The Israeli security always move me through as quickly as possible, and this is unfair for two reasons:

    1) I want to talk.
    2) I have one of the most dangerous minds in the community!

    One other thing…oh yeah! Profiling helps.

  2. jewdar

    DK, the reason why they move you through so quickly is because you want to talk.


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