Ken Reid: I’m not a Jew, is that ok? (In relation to this article and just in life in general.)
Myq Kaplan: Yes. What are you?
I’m a comedian. My parents never talked to me about religion or ethnicity. I did hear lot of racist jokes and opinions from my uncles, however. I went to church twice for non-wedding/funeral events. They made me take communion once, which I think is some kind of mortal sin since I didn’t know what it was.
All right. Let’s get to it. What do you think about Jews?â€¨ Growing up we only had one Jew in my school. Her dad was the town orthodontist and was, by reputation, a fraud. Due to the desire to have "diversity" and make children all feel included, they also had her present to us what being Jewish meant (this was in the second grade, probably) around the holidays. She explained Hannukah and showed us how to use a dreidel and gave us chocolate coins. I didn’t really think about Jews much after that, except when I saw a chocolate coin. I do know that I find/found Sarah Silverman, Jill Whitlow and Jill Schoelen all attractive, and they all kind of look the same and they are all Jewish, I believe.
Did you have braces? If yes, did you end up with crooked teeth because the orthodontist was a fraud? If no, did you end up with crooked teeth because your God doesn’t like you? Or have you always been blessed with perfect teeth? No, but my crooked dentist, Dr. Kelleher (I don’t think he was Jewish), tried to convince me that I needed them and referred me to the fraud of an orthodontist (who was Jewish). I never went. Many kids I do know who went to him (including my sister) ended up with dental issues later. I have always been blessed with perfect teeth.
Did you ever get with any of those attractive Jewish types you like?
I dated a half-Jewish girl when I was 17. Although I don’t think I knew she was at all Jewish until about ten years later. Other than her and Jackie Mason (who I only really knew from Caddyshack II, I’m not afraid to admit it), I didn’t really encounter or befriend any Jews until I was doing comedy in my early 20s. Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I enjoy their food quite a lot, aside from chocolate coins which are boring and offensive.
How do you think knowing about the half-Jewish part of that girl you dated would have changed your relationship? More dreidel play? More Caddyshack viewings? Other?
Since I’m not religious in any way shape or form, it probably would not have changed the relationship. It did add a retroactive air of exoticness to the proceedings, however. At age 17, all females were exotic, so it probably wouldn’t have mattered much. I suppose it could have led to a conversation about dreidel play and potential new experiences. Also, it would have been Caddyshack II, not the original. I don’t think there were any Jews in that. "Hey, you want to watch this movie? There’s some Jews in it, so, you know . . . you’ll probably like it, right?"
Do you feel you owe Jews any gratitude for running Hollywood? Since it makes the movies that are the source of all enjoyment in your life?
It’s not entertainment so much as all my memories and what I consider my "family." So you’re telling me the Jews were responsible for what is essentially the escapist "matrix" that allowed me to survive my childhood? I suppose I would owe them some sort of gratitude for that.
You’re welcome. And thank you.