If you were to draw a venn diagram of “stupid hipster shit” and “tacky Christmas products,” staring out at you from smack dab in the center of those overlapping circles would be “beard-baubles,” which are exactly what they sound like: Holly-jolly Christmas tree ornaments for your fucking facial hair.
They look like this:
And when you put them on your face, you look like this:
Or even this:
Now, each pack of Beard Baubles will run you about $11, with all the proceeds going to fight melanoma, so no matter how asinine you might look with shiny balls hanging off your jowls, at least you can feel good about donating to a worthwhile cause. Which got me wondering – Why should Christmas have all the fun? After all, Hanukkah is so much more more than just commemorating an ancient military victory and subsequent theocratic dynastic rule. It’s also a tabula rasa upon which modern Jews can imprint all sorts of seasonal appropriation with minimal effort and maximum kitsch! So, when it comes to hanging shit from your facial hair, why not Hanukkah? Festival of Lights? Meet “Follicle of Lights.”
What could possible go wrong?
Cool, cool.. and then?
…okay, so, maybe we see if Beard-Baubles come in packs of festive (and non-flammable) blue and white Hanukkah packs, and just call it a day.