As Heeb predicted last summer, Hustler Video came through with “This Ain’t Curb Your Enthusiasm XXX.” While we didn’t totally, er, nail the cast, we did accurately predict it would be “a neurotic fuck-a-thon,” and it is. Barry Scott plays Larry, and once you get past the “flesh-toned” rubber wig, he actually makes for a convincing David.
Larry David has washboard abs. Who knew?
Just like the show, Larry grumbles, mumbles and tries (with repeated failures) to get into Cheryl’s pants. He’s clumsy, awkward and actually spends more screen time trying to get laid than actually getting some. And this porn nails the neurotic conversations — the basic schtick of the real “Curb Your Enthusiasm” — right from the beginning scene.
Cheryl(Madison Ivy) keeps Larry in check.
Cheryl’s taking a long time getting dressed, while Larry waits, puppy-like, downstairs. Naturally, he and Leon (Justin Long) shoot the breeze:
Leon: Hey LD! What’s goin’ on with you, man? Lookin’ good.
Larry: Thanks Leon. We’re going out to dinner with Jeff and Suzie tonight.
Leon: Hooh! When a man wears that much aftershave . . .
Larry: Is it too much?
Leon: No, I’m just sayin’, when a man wears that much aftershave, he’s wonderin’ what’s comin’ after dinner, you know what I’m sayin’?
Larry(clunky pause): Oh, well, actually, I did buy Cheryl some lingere tonight, so I may be gettin’ lucky…
Leon: And I’ll tell you what: if she gets a whiff of that, then you’re in, man.
Cheryl descends, tells Larry that “he smells nice” in front of Leon, and the boys wink at each other knowingly. The porn, like the show, quickly becomes a stammering, sexual joke rife with understated irony: Cheryl complains about Larry’s scent in the car, and his advances are put to a halt one-and-for-all when they return home and catch Leon banging a chick in the living room.
Cheryl to Larry: Too much aftershave.
Larry’s coital failures — emphasized by the successes of those around him — are complimented with embarrassing mishaps and one liners. The semi-abusive relationship between Jeff Greene (Dan Masters) and his wife turns into BDSM delight. Suzie (Angelina Valentine) makes a very dirty-mouthed domme.
Larry, of course, winds up in the doghouse — for trying to shack up with a nurse. Cheryl walks in just as her husband’s getting a lap dance. Like any Jew with a backache, he uses his health as an excuse.
Cheryl: Larry!
Larry: This is amazing. These two nurses have healed my, uh, groin injury.
Cheryl(breathily): Really? Now isn’t that just perfect timing.
Cheryl catches Larry in the act. Kind of.
Queue the lighthearted, circus-y Italian orchestra music. Watch the downtrodden look on Larry’s face as he expects punishment from Cheryl, and you have the perfect set-up for the finale: a husband-and-wife hardcore scene where LD keeps his button-down PJs on.
Possibly the funniest porno ever (at least intentionally), this one might go beyond “adult-entertainment”: It’s solid B-movie schtick. And it keeps with porn’s long tradition of matching schlubby, geeky dudes with super-hot chicks, and, at the Heeb offices, that makes “This Ain’t Curb Your Enthusiasm XXX” officially shtup-worthy.
“This Ain’t Curb Your Enthusiasm” is on-sale now.
Related Posts:
Heeb May Have Nailed Cast for the Curb Your Enthusiasm Porno
“Show about Nothing” becomes “Show about F—ing”
The Closest Larry David Has Ever Been to Our Cover
The Accidental Shiksa: Curb Your Enthusiasm‘s Cheryl Hines
Thank you for your kind comments about my movie. I’m pleased it made you laugh…
Stuart Canterbury
Director