For as long as he’s had superfans, Howard Stern has exploited and degraded the drooling fanatics in his quest for record-breaking ratings, oftentimes in ways involving their tushies. (Ass Napkin Ed, anyone?)
But would any of the beloved luminaries that make up the Heeb Superfan Roundtable be willing to compromise themselves for a bit of Stern airtime? Heeb 100 alum Robert McKee, “Lowbrow Reader” publisher Jay Ruttenberg, fetishist phone operator Jappy Princess Melissa and 95-year-old comedian Professor Irwin Corey reveal just what they’d be willing to do to join “The Howard Stern Show.”
Would you do something morally/socially compromising to get on “The Howard Stern Show”? If so, what? Or would you just prefer to ball up in a corner and remain a devout listener?
RUTTENBERG: Would I do something morally or socially compromising for airtime, like, for instance, wake up early in the morning? No. Frankly, I’ve never understood the urgency with which people whore themselves out to push product, however great it may be, such as “The Lowbrow Reader,” which can be ordered for a mere $3 at http://www.lowbrowreader.com/ordering.html. It can be very obnoxious. Besides, I think I’m more suited for my current role with the Stern Show: unpaid listener.
MCKEE: Incidentally, I have long thought that my minor affliction with the mental disorder trichotillomania (hair loss from a patient’s repetitive self-pulling of hair) would land me on the show–not only because the show has a soft spot for mental disorders, but because I could demonstrate my revolutionary method of pulling out my own ball and pubic hair in their entirety by hand in under 60 seconds.
Occasionally they have discussed different strategies of removing ball and pubic hair, often resulting in Howard’s fear of razor blades being in such close contact to his nads, but never before has outright hair-pulling been mentioned as an option. I’d be honored to demonstrate this skill on the show, best accompanied by “Stars and Stripes Forever,” which I’m confident Fred could accommodate.
MELISSA: I already do morally and socially compromising things that could potentially get me on the Stern show. How many Jewish girls do you know can get a guy to stick his cock in a jar of gefilte fish? But I think it’s best I stay home than take the hot seat. I know once Howard saw my round gravity-defiant jiggly ass, he would force me to get on the Sybian. Not a chance I would put my prissy puss on that grody ride.
COREY: There’s nothing that’s worthwhile. Vanessa Redgrave died, and I was friends with Lynn. We were both guests at the Playboy Club in New York.
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Why would any righteous Jew want to associate with Howard Stern? A jew because his name is Stern? Not.