Fellow Jews of these United States, I bring good tidings! Contrary to whatever doom and gloom for American Jewry you may have heard forecast by those paid to forecast doom and gloom, it turns out that, in fact, we Jewish Americans belong to (drumroll, if you must)… the most popular religion in the entire country.
That’s right. According to the results of a just-released survey taken by the Pew research center, Jews top the list of religions “viewed 
warmly” by their peers.
Jews, Catholics and evangelical Christians are viewed warmly by the American public. When asked to rate each group on a “feeling thermometer” ranging from 0 to 100 – where 0 reflects the coldest, most negative possible rating and 100 the warmest, most positive rating – all three groups receive an average rating of 60 or higher (63 for Jews, 62 for Catholics and 61 for evangelical Christians). And 44% of the public rates all three groups in the warmest part of the scale (67 or higher).
Put it another way – At a raking of 63, we’re the national religious curve-busters, and all we needed was a solid D-minus.
So, what’s going to happen now that we’ve discovered our newfound theological popularity? A few humble predictions:
- Millions of Jews from coast to coast finally exhale and sit up straight.
- Forget “God and Guns.” Try “God and Gums” (good oral hygiene is important)
- Most restaurants will start offering 24-hour brunch menus. Bottomless mimosas. Separate checks, please.
- Hollywood finally gets around to cranking out a series of big-budget summer blockbusters, eschewing Reed, Sue and Johnny, to focus exclusively on Ben “The Thing” Grimm.
- Marc Maron installed as a network anchor for the nightly news.
- Congressional lobbying to make everyone else spend a week eating nothing but matzah.
- Why wait ’til 2015? Abe Foxman can go ahead and retire now.
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