Spread ‘Em For Steven Seagal, Deputy Sheriff

According to the press release, A&E’s series premier of Steven Seagal: Lawman hit record-breaking numbers: Over 7 million viewers tuned in to witness Sheriff Seagal’s proverb-laden, ass-kicking approach to law enforcement. With ratings like that, it is safe to say the Seagal has landed, and fucking rules.

I feel it’s obligatory — especially considering Seagal’s often-forgotten Hebrew blood — for me to share my viewing experience. Lawman is the story of a humble action star, once married to Kelly LeBrock, the hot chick from Weird Science, and his quest to clean up the mean streets of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.

Steven Seagal: Lawman was once married to Kelly Lebrock hottie from Weird Science

Besides being an actor and hero, Steven Seagal used to hit this back in the 80s.

The first episode, "The Way of the Gun," establishes Steven Seagal as the arbiter of the ass-whoop, explaining his evolution from martial arts to martial law in-between arrests and touching moments of cop friendship. But it’s the Zen-like, gooey wisdom that’s most intense. Check out just one of his many philosophical gems:

"Being a lifetime practitioner of martial arts, I try to teach everyone not to fight the recoil of the weapon, but more to become one with the weapon and have it be an extension of their body."


Bad Ass Note: He wears a black bandana when at the gun range and can shoot the end off a goddamn q-tip. Even Nico (Above The Law) Toscani couldn’t do that.

But wait, Lawman isn’t just about guns and wisdom; there’s also heart. Seagal receives a surprising level of admiration from the Jefferson Parrish’s citizens/scumbags. "Wow!" the alcoholics all say as he bends them over the hood of his squad car. "You’re Steven Seagal!" Just goes to show that a little movie stardom combined with Kung-Fu mastery can really earn you the respect of a crystal meth addicted shoplifter. The boozers swoon over Seagal: "Oh you Steven SeaGALL! I want to shake yo’ hand! That’s a BIG hand…"

Episode Two, "The Deadly Hand," focuses on the mentoring side of Sensei Seagal. By flipping and choking pint-sized Asians, he teaches cadets to apprehend an assailant. Though less action-packed than the first episode, one PCP addled character does kick out the sheriff’s back window. And homie got TAZED!

Once again, the man’s wisdom rivals both his massive frame and his capacity for violence. The episode closes with Seagal asking police cadets to see past the glamour and Hollywood magic and acknowledge him for what he is: A badass who will rip you a new asshole.

"You can look at me as a moviestar. ‘Hey, Steven Seagal’s here. He’s a movie star.’ Or you can wipe that shit out of your head and say, ‘Steven Seagal could save my life.’ Cause that’s why I’m here."

I bow to you, Sensei.

See Steven Seagal: Lawman on the A&E channel on Wednesdays 10/9C.

What do you think?

About The Author


Alex Rubin is a grumpy punster. He is also a musician & writer. Born a middle child in Maryland with a passion for Judeo-Erotic Fan Fiction, he arrived at Heeb after completing The Diary of Anne Spank. He currently resides in Coney Island (no soliciting).

9 Responses

  1. tvjunky

    what a JOKE!

    steven segal is NOT an actual deputy, steven segal is an HONORARY RESERVE DEPUTY CHIEF , its not even a paid position! i watched both episodes last night, and ill have to say ive NEVER seen anyone that is as full of themselves as he is. ever

  2. Puck

    Hmmm for someone not impressed by the Seagal you’ve just written a mini-thesis explaining how unimpressed you are.
    Steven Seagal is the bomb…end of discussion. Period.
    I have spoken.
    And your 10 year old son can’t do sh*t.

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