Issues

Your 4-Year-Old No, I don't want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I'm covered. And I'm no auth...

Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children's Drawings I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children's drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid's picture in a movie—like of a shark with point...

"Can You Make A Living With That?" Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to ...

Fast Food Nationalism If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don't talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don't care about the rat feces...

Cell Phone Broadcasting I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I'm missing. Great, there's not enough static in the digital version I already ...

Fleas My cats Mookie and Cleo had fleas this week. I really felt for the cats, because they had bugs biting them and shit, but I felt a lot worse for myself. Turns out a single flea can lay about 30,000 eggs, ...

Your Friend's One-Woman Show You failed to mention that the one-woman, off-off-Broadway show you invited me to last Thursday night was being presented by a friend of yours. Yeah, you managed to omit that part ...

Habitat For Humanity You took a five-and-a-half hour flight to New Orleans, spent a four-day weekend at the Marriot and hammered three nails into a piece of wood. Don't tell me how great it feels to "give some...

The Death of Adverbs No, I won't "play fair." I refuse to "get home safe." Hogtie me Gitmo-style and I still won't "think different." Rage, I say, rage against the dying of the adverb! This stately part of spe...

My Ex-Girlfriend We broke up amicably. You aren't seeing anybody and neither am I. And you wouldn't be giving up anything that you haven't already. We have done this before since our breakup, so what's the big...

Hospital Roommates So, you've got some horrible illness that lands you in the hospital and puts you in a perpetual state of discomfort. What a great time to get to meet "Arnie," your new roommate. Who was the ...

Two Dimes and a Nickel The ice cream comes out to $4.50. I give you a five and you give me a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. Are you rationing for some pinball war I should know about? You've got plenty of qu...