No, I don’t want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I’m covered. And I’m no authority on the subject, but I imagine that 30 seconds worth of “ah…ah…ah…um” can only be appreciated if the child has passed through my own vagina. Until that happens, I’ll just get the story about the dump truck and whatever the fuck else he was talking about from you. And make it quick because I don’t really want to hang out with you anymore.
Urban Kvetch: Your 4-Year-Old