BY: Anna Breslaw
Each week, Anna Breslaw tries her best to answer the tough questions. She’s still working on bringing her best up to speed.
What up, you bald Joseph Gordon Levitt-looking motherfucker?
So far, you’ve done a gangbusters job repping the Semites amidst the WASPy Ken dolls vying for Ashley Hebert’s heart this season. I’m here to help you screw it up. You’re welcome.
Why would you throw the game? Apparently there are three neurotic female brunette alumnus of UPenn Dental School who AREN’T Jewish, and Ashley Hebert is one of them. I’m sure you were as surprised as we were, and I’m sure your mom is tweeting about it.
I only have one tip for you: withhold cunnilingus for as long as possible. It’s the Jewish man’s secret weapon. Goyim are great when a lady’s in the mood for dinner conversation about how Britain’s Royal Family “isn’t actually that royal,” followed by some disaffected missionary-position intercourse. On the other hand, a Jewish guy will go down on you immediately, possibly to quiet their own pathological suspicion that you already regret going out with them and/or that they are, on the whole, worthless people. But don’t do it! Stay kosher, JP!
If that doesn’t work, you can probably convince ABC to let you kill Ashley on-air. I used to date this guy from Long Island who could help you out. :)