This post is part of a year-long endeavor wherein, week-by-week, we will summarize the Bible story being shared at synagogue so that you can enjoy the story and skip the synagogue.
Deuteronomy 26:1 – 29:8
The Hebrews are walking through the desert. God shows up, possesses Moses, and talks out of Moses’s mouth.
God: You know what really pisses me off? When jerks mess with blind people!
Blind people: Yeah!
God: And when jerks mess with orphans!
God: And widows!
God: And immigrants!
God: And people who don’t pay their taxes!
People In Charge: Yeah!
God: And people who have sex with their fathers’ women! #WomenAreInTheBibleTooKindOf
Motherfuckers: Aw. Why?
God: Because it’s rude to the father. Not for any other reason. Also, don’t have sex with animals, your sisters, you half-sisters, or your mother-in-laws. And don’t secretly run around killing people at night like vampires.
Some Guy In The Crowd: We actually weren’t gonna do that.
God: You better not. Vampires creep me out.
God makes Moses take a drag from his cigarette and blows smoke in everyone’s faces. Moses has a coughing fit.
Some Guy In The Crowd: So what happens if we listen to you?
God: Your lives won’t be shit. Seriously, if you mess with blind people or fuck your goat, I’ll give you hemorrhoids. And hemorrhoid cream doesn’t get invented for like 4,000 years. Plus, I’ll make you eat your children.
PTO Board: What?
God: Yeah, it’ll be a whole production. First, I’ll kill your crops and make an army lay siege to your towns. You’ll slowly run out of food, until one day, you’ll have to choose between eating your children and starving to death. If you’re lucky, I’ll save you some olive oil to fry them in.
Sunday School Teachers: We’re gonna skip this part.
God: It’s amazing what hunger does to you. You’ll turn on each other before long. Eventually, the nicest guy in town won’t share his kiddie stew with his wife or any of the kids he hasn’t eaten yet.
Moses: Could you possibly talk out of someone else’s mouth? I can’t help feeling like people might be awkward around me after this.
God: Mothers will have babies and immediately eat them, like spiders or something. Fast food, baby style. I call it a ‘Kids Meal.’
Some Guy In The Crowd: Is this all actually in the Bible?
God: For sure, look it up. And seriously, if you annoy me, I will have so much fun torturing you. Up until now, I’ve been playing Civilization. But once you cross me, I’m loading Grand Theft Auto.
Children edge slowly away from God.
God: After all that, the survivors will wander back to Egypt and try to sell themselves into slavery, but nobody will buy them. It’ll be super embarrassing.
PTO Board: Can we make a deal where we try going back to slavery before eating our children?
God: Don’t. Fuck. With. Me. That’s our deal.
Some Guy In The Crowd: It’s not a deal if you make us do it.
God strikes the guy with lightning.
Moses: How long do we have to do this stuff for?
God: Forever. And people who don’t even exist yet have to follow this stuff too. And future people will show up and see all the dead farmland and leftover kiddie stir fry, and they’ll be like, “What the fuck happened here?” And I’ll be like, “I did, bitch.”
Moses: I don’t mean to interrupt, but I’ve needed to go to the bathroom all afternoon. Can you stop possessing me for a few minutes?
God: I’ll answer your question with another question. What’s the difference between a dead baby and a soggy burrito?
God: I’m not gonna make you eat a soggy burrito.
Illustration by Dana Lo