Sorry Pat Robertson, Here’s What I Do *Instead* Of Polishing Diamonds

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Here’s the deal – Popular television bigot Pat Robertson recently devoted an entire 700 Club segment to figure out “What is it about Jewish people that make them prosperous financially?” To help Pat get to the bottom of this Hardy Boys mystery is Rabbi Daniel Lapin, an author and TV host who says things like “I pay one of the best mechanics around to take care of my BMW”.

Super helpful!

Pat and Daniel Lapin kibbitz, they laugh, and when Yale law and New York Theological Seminary graduate Pat Robertson muses that Jews are “polishing diamonds, not fixing cars.” Rabbi Lapin answers excitedly “Yes, exactly!”

Take a look:

Well, I hate to break it to you Pat, but I’ve never polished a diamond in my life. Instead, here’s a look at one of my typical days:

09:00 AM – Work out (Swimming in Scrooge McDuckish vat of Jew-gold.)
09:45 AM – Breakfast (a nice piece of fruit?) 

10:15 AM – Pre-determine the next 48 hours news cycle, shoot memo to global media heads
11:45 AM – Conference call with shadowy cabal of elders re: “Protocols”
12:15 PM – Light lunch. (Half-sandwich, Soup, maybe a side salad)
01:30 PM – Charge exorbitant usury
02:00 PM – Pen inflammatory op-eds for:
Wall Street Journal, Le Monde, The Jewish Journal
02:30 PM – Dance around my office “biddle-diddle-diddle dum” Fiddler-style
03:15 PM – Call my mother
04:00 PM – Rewrite all international banking policies while laughing quietly to myself
04:45 PM – Meditate on wall-sized portrait of Bibi
05:00 PM – Count today’s profits
06:15 PM –
Don’t call my mother
07:00 PM – Dinner
07:15 PM – Complain to a waiter
08:00 PM – Car making a noise. Take it to a Mechanic
08:45 PM – Pay $800 to fix “loose gas cap”
09:00 PM – Home.
09:01 PM – Jewesses!
10:30 PM – Fall asleep atop old-timey sacks of money with “$” printed on the side

There you have it, Pat. No diamond polishing for this Jew. Now, how about a 700 Club segment on assholes who toss around cringe-worthy stereotypes on national TV?

What do you think?

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