So Sue Me

You may know Jeff B. Cohen from his turn as Chunk in The Goonies, though these days the retired child actor hardly ever performs the truffle shuffle for his friends or ransacks damp cellars for ice cream. Now at Cohen & Gardner Law in Beverly Hills, the 33-year-old handles “the business of show business,” including transactions with giants like Netflix and The Weinstein Company. Recently, a few Heeb readers had the chance to ask Chunk—I mean, Cohen—about some legal advice in regards to their endeavors in showbiz.

Every Purim, my aunt shows home movies of me dressed as Queen Esther in 3rd grade (I’m male), and everybody has a hearty laugh at my expense. Do I have any sort of rights to control the use of my image? I sure as hell never signed anything and I’d like her to stop.
Done with Drag

Dear Done with Drag,
Isn’t family great? The right to your image is protected by several invasion of privacy torts. “False Light” occurs when one is portrayed in a highly offensive and false manner. I don’t know how offensive you looked in that dress, but you actually were in that dress. No false light. “Disclosure of Private Facts” occurs when private and objectionable info is revealed without a legitimate public concern. Although it feels illegitimate to have your family gawk at you, it’s probably not objectionable enough. There is a related “Right of Publicity” regarding the unauthorized use of your image for some commercial purpose. But unless your aunt is selling tickets to the family, you are out of luck.

If I film hookers while I’m having sex with them, am I a john or a director? I say the latter, the state says the former. It’s kind of important that I get an answer soon, so if you could get back to me ASAP, I’d really appreciate it.
Aching for Acquittal

Dear Aching for Acquittal,
Now that Ron Jeremy is over the hill, we must do all we can to replenish the ranks of Jewish porn stars. I commend your efforts. The fine line between the criminal act of prostitution and the constitutionally protected free speech of pornography is a factually intensive distinction. This issue was actually discussed in the 2005 New York State Case, People v. Paulino. Jenny Paulino was accused of running a prostitution ring in Manhattan and claimed that it violated the Equal Protection Clause of the Constitution for the government to prosecute her, but not large companies that produce porn. The court decided that there was a significant difference, as the purpose of prostitution is to receive sexual gratification while the purpose of pornography is to create and distribute films… about sexual gratification. It is a tricky distinction, so your case may be decided on the distribution of your “film.”

Feel free to send me the tape care of Heeb Magazine so my firm can perform a more thorough and satisfying analysis.

I can’t get Air Supply’s “I’m All Out of Love” out of my head and it’s really starting to affect my work. I’m a cantor, and all my prayers are starting to sound like “I’m All Out of Love.” Is there any chance of my suing them successfully?
Aiming for Air Supply

Dear Aiming for Air Supply,
Before you lose your mind and jump off a bridge, please note that both Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne have been unsuccessfully sued for inciting suicide in their listeners on the basis of torts such as invasion of privacy, negligence and wrongful death. The First Amendment provides powerful protection for the arts, including sappy ’80’s songs. Might I suggest upping your game to Journey or Steely Dan?

What advice would you give a client who was interested in investing in secret pirate treasure?
Tempted by Treasure

Dear Tempted by Treasure,
My advice here goes beyond the law. Watch out for blenders, booby traps and the Fratellis. Befriending large monsters can also be helpful.

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU RELY ON THIS LEGAL ADVICE YOU ARE A SCHMUCK! GO PAY FOR A LAWYER, IT’S WORTH IT! Jeff would like to acknowledge the contribution of Cohen & Gardner, LLP Associate, Bradley J. Garrett, Esq. and UCLA Law Intern Extraordinaire Joseph A. Lopez.