Saturday Morning Special

Yes, you’re very impressive because you’ve seen _The Family Guy_ episode “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein” and all of _The Simpsons_ episodes with Krusty the Clown. But before you give yourself that congratulatory gold star, maybe you should read this and learn the sorts of things about the world of Jewish cartoon characters that normally takes a lifetime to learn. A long, sedentary, incredibly wasted lifetime…

Captain Caveman (Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels)
Short, hirsute, big-nosed and surrounded by a bevy of beautiful shiksas—he wasn’t just Jewish, he was Ron Jeremy.

She-Ra (She-Ra)
She-Ra (that’s right, sounds like “Shira”) couldn’t wield just any magical sword. No, she had to have the diamond-encrusted Sword of Protection, and when every other intergalactic princess was fighting the Horde on winged horses, King Randor made sure that She-Ra got a winged unicorn. This princess of power was a JAP if we ever saw one.

Fozzie Bear (Muppet Babies)
He’s like Rodney Dangerfield with worse jokes and better ties, a comedian who always seemed like he would have been more successful in the Borscht Belt than in the Muppet Theater. Wakka wakka wakka… Yada yada yada…

Mumm-Ra (ThunderCats)
Considering that his name is Hebrew (for “bad defect”), Mumm-Ra, arch-enemy of the ThunderCats, is probably from a fairly traditional family who wished he’d become a dentist like his brother, Sheldon-Ra.

Scrooge McDuck (DuckTales)
Not to spread conspiracy theories, but did you hear how Scrooge, the McDucks and all their friends were the only people not in the money bin when it was supposedly brought down by Flintheart Golmgold? It’s no surpise that he owns every media outlet in Duckberg.

Gargamel (The Smurfs)
If the nose, the male pattern baldness and that insatiable thirst for gold aren’t enough evidence, consider the fact that, in a sexy twist on the Golem tale, he created Smurfette out of clay to seduce the Smurf village.

What do you think?

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