Lessons for Surviving the Apocalypse

This post is part of a year-long project wherein, week-by-week, we write the Bible better than it was in the original.


Genesis 6:9- 11:32

God had been creating the universe for a while now and was getting bored. He decides to kick some ideas around with his human friend, Noah.

God: I don’t know, man, I’m just totally out of ideas at this point. I’m hitting writer’s block HARD. Guess it’s time to destroy the world and start over.
Noah: Wait, no, don’t do that.
God: I’ve already got the floods ready.

Noah takes out a yoyo and does some cool tricks.

God: Aha. Okay, you’re fun. I’ll spare you.
Noah: Yay!
God: So here’s what’s gonna happen: you’re gonna build a boat.
Noah: That sounds reasonable so far.
God: You’re gonna fill it with two of every animal on Earth.
Noah: Mhmmm, mhmmm. Question: What about animals that don’t come in male and female? Like earthworms, or amoebas?

God strikes Noah with lightning.

Noah: Find male and female amoebas, got it. How will I fit all the animals in?
God: It’s gonna have … Wait for it … Three whole floors.
Noah: Can’t argue with that. Do I have to bring fish too?

God strikes Noah with lightning.

God: Obviously not. Just birds, cattle, and creeping things, which are the only three kinds of animals. Oh hey, I just invented taxonomy.
Noah: So humans are … birds? Or creeping things?
God: Featherless birds?

God floods the Earth and all the other animals die off. But Noah and his animals survive, floating in one lonely boat. Then God goes out for a beer and forgets about them for five months.

God: Oh yeah, that guy.

After remembering Noah for a second, God goes out for another beer for months. Then he brings the arc to rest on a mountain.

Noah: Can we get out now?
God: Nope.

Noah spends the next few months hanging out with a dove while God drinks yet another beer.

Noah: Can we get out now?
God: Oh hey! You’re the guy … You’re the guy with the animals! You man, you’re the man. You’re alright.

God passes out. While he is asleep, Noah and the animals sneak out of the ark. The animals make a run for it, but Noah grabs a few and slits their throats.

Noah: I gotta stay on God’s good side, and he’s big into sacrifices. 
Goat: But I just survived the apocalypse …

Noah dumps some gasoline on the goat and lights it on fire.

God: Something smells delicious. Noah, did you make that? Awesome, I’m starving.

God starts eating the goat.

God: You’re a good guy, Noah. You’re the only human I never felt like destroying. You know what? I promise I’ll never destroy the world again. Pinkie swear. Actually rainbow swear.

God makes a double rainbow happen.

God: SOOOO pretty, right? Kind of makes the whole flood worth it.
Everyone still alive: …
God: Alright you guys, go repopulate the planet, if you know what I mean.

Noah, who apparently doesn’t know what God means, plants a vineyard so that he could be the first person ever to get drunk.

Noah: No wonder God’s always drinking. This stuff is amazing.

He gets wasted and takes off his clothes. Then his sons either see him, sodomize him, or castrate him.

Noah: But wait, which one though?


Illustration by Dana Lo

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About The Author

Ilana Strauss

Ilana E. Strauss is a human-shaped collection of atoms that have written for The Atlantic, Reader's Digest, the Washington Post, Tablet, and the Toast.

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