Jake Gyllenhaal and Kate Hudson: Jewish Couple Alert?

For those of you who read US Weekly religiously (don’t be ashamed, everybody’s doing it) you already know that after three years of dating wholesome blonde Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal is finally a single man. And you probably also heard the news that Jewess Kate Hudson was just dumped by baseball "player" Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez, leaving the actress, as she’s never alone for too long, trolling for fresh tail.

We were delighted when we heard the news about the breakups, because we knew these two were always meant to be together:

Jake Gyllenhaal has a thing for blondes (Kirstin Dunst, Witherspoon, Heath Ledger), but his relationships all inevitably fail due to his partners’s lack of Semitic roots. With Hudson he’ll finally have a blonde to bring home for Pesach. (It might be the Southern thing, but Whitherspoon seems like the most Christian woman alive. If not for her movie career, she could land a correspondent’s gig on The 700 Club. Clearly, a bad match.)
And Hudson has run from Jewish men long enough. First, she procreated with Black Crows lead singer, Chris Robinson, a scrawny, heroin-chic rocker dude. Then, Owen Wilson, who allegedly attempted suicide after their break up. Then, Lance Armstrong. And lastly, (though we had to leave a few out) A-Rod, the hot bi-racial mountain of machismo and steroids. As my mother would say, Kate, you had your fun. It’s time to settle down with the appropriate male counterpart — a sensitive-yet-sculpted artist of Jewish descent.
So ladies, don’t dye your hair blonde in an attempt to capture often-shirtless Gyllenhaal’s attentions just yet. Let this budding romance ride itself out. You won’t get your heart broken, I won’t have to say I told you so and there will finally be an attractive Jewish couple in Hollywood.
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33 Responses

  1. LaurenRosenberg

    Just so Jew know… don’t let the name “Chris” fool you, Robinson’s dad is in fact Jewish. Just sayin’.

  2. katel5

    This is such a dumb site with a dumb article. Heath Ledger was not blonde. His hair was lightened for some movies. He had dark auburn hair. Jake played Jack and Heath played Ennis,they were characters,not real people.Ennis was not blonde either.

  3. Anonymous

    Gyllenhaal did date Natalie Portman for a time, didn’t he? Maybe it was just a rumor.

  4. Anonymous

    I never heard that. I know she was doing that hippy prog rocker the last time I checked.

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  7. julia37

    Kate Hudson is an awesome actress and woman. I think any man would be lucky to be in a relationship with her. I hope he doesn’t blow it! I am a big fan of hers and hopefully I can meet her.

    Thanks Julia Miller
    Chums D

  8. Anonymous

    Kate Hudson is a great actress. I love to watch her on screen because she has a great sense of humor in her movies and she really brings home her the way that the character is feeling in the movie.

  9. Anonymous

    Kate Hudson is an angel. Any guy would be lucky to date her. I think I would be so nervious if I was on a date with her. Who wouldn’t be? I think this guy is very lucky myself. I run a merchant account

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