For those of you who read US Weekly religiously (don’t be ashamed, everybody’s doing it) you already know that after three years of dating wholesome blonde Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal is finally a single man. And you probably also heard the news that Jewess Kate Hudson was just dumped by baseball "player" Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez, leaving the actress, as she’s never alone for too long, trolling for fresh tail.
We were delighted when we heard the news about the breakups, because we knew these two were always meant to be together:
Jake Gyllenhaal has a thing for blondes (Kirstin Dunst, Witherspoon, Heath Ledger), but his relationships all inevitably fail due to his partners’s lack of Semitic roots. With Hudson he’ll finally have a blonde to bring home for Pesach. (It might be the Southern thing, but Whitherspoon seems like the most Christian woman alive. If not for her movie career, she could land a correspondent’s gig on The 700 Club. Clearly, a bad match.)
And Hudson has run from Jewish men long enough. First, she procreated with Black Crows lead singer, Chris Robinson, a scrawny, heroin-chic rocker dude. Then, Owen Wilson, who allegedly attempted suicide after their break up
. Then, Lance Armstrong. And lastly, (though we had to leave a few out) A-Rod, the hot bi-racial mountain of machismo and steroids. As my mother would say, Kate, you had your fun. It’s time to settle down with the appropriate male counterpart — a sensitive-yet-sculpted artist of Jewish descent.
So ladies, don’t dye your hair blonde in an attempt to capture often-shirtless
Gyllenhaal’s attentions just yet. Let this budding romance ride itself out. You won’t get your heart broken, I won’t have to say I told you so and there will finally be an attractive Jewish couple in Hollywood.