Jackie Martling: The _Heeb_ Interview

For 15 years Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling held the honorable title of Head Writer on The Howard Stern Show. From creating bits to writing quick comebacks for Howard to providing uncontrollable laughter, the Long Island-native left his unmistakable scent on the Show. (Some say it smelled like a baby’s diaper, but that’s an argument for another day.)

In March 2001, however, Martling left Stern after a contract squabble and was replaced with Artie Lange. (Lange has since become more of a Stern sidekick, while Benjy Bronk, who we interviewed here, has assumed much of Martling’s writing responsibilities.)

Since leaving the show, Martling has been making a living on the road, in bit movie parts and on his Sirius/XM radio show Jackie’s Joke Hunt, all in which he manages to exploit his encyclopedic arsenal of one-liners. Recently, he managed to put aside some time to talk to Heeb.

So what have you been up to lately, Jackie?

What a week I had. I was doing fine until I went to the proctologist on Friday. I think he was tripping on acid. He looked up my ass with a kaleidoscope… That’s my newest joke. I love it.

You know, I was the first lower-echelon comedian to have his own self-produced LP, What Did You Expect?, way back in 1979. Now I’m the last comedian to have a DVD, A Safe Distance from Genius). My sixth dirty joke CD, Snart, will be out on April Fool’s Day.

How’s the standup circuit treating you?

I work here, there, and everywhere from Atlantic City to small clubs. I love telling my jokes and especially love playing ‘Stump the Joke Man.’ It never gets old.

Have you run across anyone recently that you think should be on the radar for the comedy hall of fame, or do you think everyone sucks a fat one these days?

I headline my own shows, and there’s usually no one else on the bill. I don’t even like to have an opening act. I like to stretch out for 80 to 90 minutes. Because of that, I don’t get to see many acts. But, fuck it, let them all into the hall of fame. But what hall of fame? I’m still trying to get an honorable mention on Jews-R-Us.

Your strongest suit, IMHO, is your impromptu insult material towards the audience. Have you ever had an issue with an audience member during or after the show where they just couldn’t take a joke? If so, how bad was the insult?

I have lots of great heckler lines in my arsenal because we needed them back in the old days, when occasionally you had to turn off a hockey game in the third overtime to start the comedy show if you wanted to get paid.

The best ever was one time in the late 80s, when a guy started heckling me at Rascals South on the Jersey Shore. He was wearing a New York Rangers jersey, and the third time he interrupted me I sent him out into the hall for a 15-minute penalty. It brought down the house and solved the problem.

I wear red sneakers and a wild shirt on stage. It baits people. The funniest stuff on my cd, F. Jackie, was after a guy yelled, ‘Nice shirt.’ Then I went off with: ‘Yeah, I know. Your mom got it for me because I made her come faster than Dennis Rodman. Is she working tonight, or is she resting her snatch? You ever see her? Her pussy lips are so swollen that the crotch of her panties looks like Jiffy Pop. She’s got a clit the size of a Pez, and it glows like a firefly. Go shit yourself a twin sister.’

Now what were you saying?

Do you find that certain kinds of audience members — based on gender, race, whatever — require kid gloves when performing?

I can remember editing myself a year ago at The New York Comedy Club in Boca Raton. Most nights I do a 10-minute midget chunk, but there was a midget couple in the front table. I swear their feet didn’t reach the floor as they were sitting there in their chairs. I skipped the hunk, because even though I know the little people, that seems more offensive to me than the term ‘midget.’ Even though the little people would probably have screamed at the stuff, it would have made the people around them uncomfortable.

Or is your body clock so permanently fucked from working during those crack-ass hours on the Stern Show that you end up waking at 4 a.m. even though you no longer have to?

I have a beach home on Long Island, an apartment here in New York City, and I live in the best of the world’s best two worlds. I love my life. I have a sensational girlfriend, and we merrily schlep back and forth, making sure whatever we need is at the other place.

Every morning I smile at my alarm clock. It hasn’t been plugged in since March 4, 2001. When I was working on The Howard Stern Show, I’d get up at 4:30 a.m. Monday through Friday and then sleep until 11 a.m. on Saturdays. Sometimes on Friday after the show I’d fly to Los Angeles or Las Vegas for a weekend gig, and my body clock would be so screwed up that I’d order bacon and eggs at The Palm.

Do you regret leaving the show?

Leaving the show was the single best decision I ever made. My accountant told me I did a 9/11 to my bank account, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. I’ve spent a good bit of the money I made toiling away for The Stern Machine all those years, but I’ve had the good fortune to recently acquire a manager who is going to see to it that I don’t miss any meals.

Is it nails on a chalkboard to hear Artie’s voice on the air? We’ve all heard Sal the Stockbroker air his grievances about Lange and how he, half the time, is just snoring/scratching his balls on the air; meanwhile he [Sal] is busting his hump with prank calls and whatnot. Do you feel the same way?

I’ve never listened to the show, but if I did, I know I’d enjoy Artie. He’s a huge talent. To paraphrase Richard Belzer, modern physical science has yet to invent a small enough unit of measurement for me to express how much I care about anything Sal has done or might ever do. Without knowing, I’m absolutely sure Artie is doing precisely what Howard wants him to do on the show and is doing it perfectly … or else he wouldn’t be there.

If it was your call, hypothetically, who would you have picked to succeed you on the show?

I guess in my heart of hearts I hoped no one would exactly fill any gap I may have left, because that would negate me having been in any way unique. In my experience there, everyone who appears on that show seems to fit in differently, whether they’re a guest or a cast member or whatever. Often they fit in way differently than you’d think they would. That’s part of the beauty of the show.

What do you miss the most? What do you miss the least, aside from Gary’s breath?

I don’t miss being too tired to ever enjoy my life. Compared to that, Gary’s breath was perfume. What I miss most is the foxhole. Not the money, not the small amount of fame I was garnering, not the perks. I miss spending my mornings five days a week being creatively on fire and laughing really hard for four hours. It’s such an unnatural occurrence in nature, four or more talented people in each others’ faces, doing their damndest to create mirth out of thin air. And we did it well, as good as any group anywhere, ever.

What do you think?