Iran’s Newest Enemy: Giant Mutant Rats

Tehran is under attack. No, it’s not Israeli special forces, or even American-supported insurgents. Rather, the Iranian army has reportedly been mobilized in their capital city to combat an invasion of freakishly large mutant rats.

China’s Sina English-language news agency has reported that as many as 40 specially trained snipers from the Iranian army may be called up to help eliminate the rodent menace from the streets of Tehran. And just what sort of menace are we talking about here? In an interview given to, Ismail Kahram, Teheran city council environment adviser, and Ismail Kahram, a university professor, describe the situation thusly:

[The Rats] seem to have had a genetic mutation, probably as a result of radiations and the chemical used on them […] They have jumped from 60 grams to five kilos, and cats are now smaller than them

For you metrically-disinclined, five kilos is about eleven pounds. Eleven pound rats. Christ. No wonder they’re calling up the army.

Given Iran’s nuclear ambitions, could this have been their plan all along? Distract the international community with rumors of atomic bombs, and then – WHAMMO – surprise the world with super-powered irradiated rats! We may never know. After (presumably) turning on their creators, the muta-rats’ odds aren’t looking good: The current death-toll stands at Rat: 2,205, Humans: 0, with chemical attacks decimating the rodent forces during daytime, and pinpoint sniper attacks keeping them on their toes claws at night.

That said, should any karate-chopping, anthropomorphic turtles show up to help even the score, we’ll let you know.

I don't know what the "T", "G", and "R" stand for, but the "I" is definitely "Iran".

I’m not sure what the “T”, “G”, and “R” stand for, but the “I” is definitely “Iran”.


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