Glatt Kasher: Why are Jews Pervs?

FULL DISCLOSURE: I felt like my last two submissions to this magazine were a bit too serious so, in the name of diversity (artistic not ethnic, yuck!) I wrote this:

Is it just me or are Jewish people hornier than other people?

I know for me, I’ve always been infused with a kind of unhealthy degree of horniness, the kind that you can’t seem to keep up with, a sex drive that cracks a whip on your ball sack like an Ididerod Racer snapping the reigns on his huskies yelling “Mush! Mush!”

Except in this case its  “Bust! Bust!”

Many of the famous sex obsessed people of history have been Jews. R. Crumb, Woody Allen, Louis Katz, Sarah Silverman, Dave Attel, James Bond (no.). The editor of this magazine. Other Jews. Me.

So the question is: Why?!?

What makes us so obsessed?

Also why do people say we have small penises? RUDE!


Honestly. It’s simply ENORMOUS.

If my penis were a kid’s story it would be The Big Friendly Giant.

But let’s get off of my penis like your mother just did.

Oooooooh shit! I totally just said that I fucked your mother!

FULL DISCLOSURE: I most likely did not fuck your mother.

When I was a boy I was simply obsessed with sex.  Then I became a man and I put my obsession into action.

I have slept with over 200,000 people.

The above figure is a guesstimation, the actual number might be as high as 6 million.

By the way, I invented the term “guesstimate” so if you were like, “Ugh, lame, he just said guesstimation, know that I am the REASON that anyone can say it, you fucking asshole!”

FULL DISCLOSURE: You are not a fucking asshole, you are totally nice.

Anyhoo (invented that too).

Why are Jews pervs?

I guess it’s the fault of the anti-Semites. (everything is)

They starved us and made us wear funny hats, impoverished us and made us live in close quartered ghettos, what else were we supposed to do but fuck? The only fun left to us was slamming it at home through sheets.

One thing about the sheets, and this is not a joke, NOBODY FUCKS THROUGH SHEETS. That’s a lie. It’s such a pervasive lie though, that most Jews believe it about themselves. The fucking through a sheet thing comes from people seeing Jews dry their Tzitzit (the weird looking fringy things that religious Jewish men wear over their necks) from laundry lines and assuming, “Hmm there’s a hole in the middle, those Jews must fuck through it.”

On second thought, maybe it’s the gentiles that are the perverts.

Maybe everyone is sex obsessed.

Yeah, I guess everyone wants to fuck. (me)

But I still think the Jews have a special kind of perversion. Maybe it’s because the whole Jewish religion started with cock and ball torture (circumcision). We are dick-obsessed (not me obviously). Then we invented no sex while menstruating (thank you, oh forefathers for giving me an excuse not to slay that bloody dragon.) Then we invented No Gay Sex (Booo!) then we invented the “fuck em in the thighs” work around (little known fact, ask your rabbi). We are sex obsessed, I think, not because it’s in our blood but because it’s in our book. Lord, forgive me but the Torah can be outright smutty.

Some look at this as a failing but to be honest I’m glad to be in a religion that doesn’t try to pretend sex doesn’t exist. Because for me, every single night, it DEFINITELY DOES.

What do you think?

About The Author

Moshe Kasher

Moshe Kasher is a standup comedian, actor and author. You can buy his memoir Kasher in the Rye here. Follow him on twitter @MosheKasher.

4 Responses

  1. Danny Relevant

    R. Crumb is not Jewish. Do some research. I also think you’re wrong about the size of your penis.

  2. Moshe Kasher
    Moshe Kasher

    In the above article, the author , Moshe Kasher , mistakenly stated that comic book artist, R. Crumb was Jewish. He is not. We regret the mistake. However the statement regarding the size and length of his penis is still up for debate. The evidence of said penis not completely filling the gaping cavernous chasm of Danny Relevant’s anus was simply not compelling enough to call into doubt the veracity of Kasher’s claim of having a large penis. Literally anything of any size would fit into Relevant’s asshole as he is a wide open, mega dilated jizz receptacle. However , we take seriously the accusation of misinformation in an article as serious as the one above and we will continue to examine the size of Kasher’s dong with a more reasonable measuring tool and let you know our findings.

  3. Jesus

    Because most of them especially the men including you are major fucking dicks,much like the one you claim to have.Also because every one I have met are conceited self righteous pricks who are full of themselves and think women actually want their stinky asses and small dicks.

  4. Jesus returns

    P.S You probably just got done fucking your own mother…HAHA now that is comedy.


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