Glatt Kasher: Jerk off in Support of Natalie Portman

BY: Moshe Kasher

Okay, the Oscar nominations are out, so put down your xbox controller for 50 seconds and read this. I promise, it’s worth it.

How do the oscar nominations effect our lives? Simple!

The more you can bring yourself to care about which rich person wins this meaningless award, the less likely it is that your family is dying of typhoid from drinking the brackish water that is their only source of hydration since the earthquake.

I’m kidding! I don’t care about poor people, I care about celebrities. Well one anyway: my dear Jewess, Natalie Portman. Natalie was nominated for Best actress along with Nicole Kidman – an actor best known for her role as the heterosexual lover of Tom Cruise -, Annette Benning – the second nominee this year who was in a pussy eating scene (an oscar first!) -, Michelle Williams for Blue Valentine – a movie I like to call “staring and crying” -, and Jennifer Lawrence for Winter’s Bone – a boring film but one that gets way better if you snort a bit of crank just before pressing play.

Jews, listen: Natalie Portman must win. First of all because she deserves it. Not only for the phenomenal performance she turned in for Black Swan but also for pretending so convincingly to love me all these years.  I swear to God, every time she is onscreen she looks directly at me with those Jewish, Harvard-trained bedroom eyes, I can almost hear her say “come to me” or maybe it’s “come on me” I can’t tell anymore. Such a sexual creature. Especially in The Professional, ugh I’ve never been more turned on (jk!).

But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s one hell of an actor. Did you see her performance on the press junket for No Strings Attached?  She almost convinced me she didn’t regret doing that film.

Black Swan was amazing. Portman managed to turn me on and repulse me all at once. Some scenes were SO erotic… you know the one I’m talking about… when she puked? So hot.

More importantly, this is an opportunity for the Jews to win an other oscar. We are so hopelessly underrepresented in Hollywood, it’s time for us to take a stand.  Look, I know you all love her too. She is that rare anomaly in Hollywood, the Jewish dream woman.

So listen, All you pimply Jewish nerds, pull out your dicks and, if you can all manage to ejaculate at once on Oscar night, it virtually ensures a win for Portman. That stream of Jew Jizz will flow from Brooklyn, Beverly hills, and Fort Lauderdale and all the tributaries will come together to form a mighty river, a gushing white water stream that will wash away the competition and leave only one victor: THE MIGHTY PORTMAN.

I plan on grabbing a small and simple row boat and jumping into that mighty Mistersippi rowing furiously towards my one and only love.

As I wash up on the stage at the Kodak Theatre, I will finally have an opportunity to say it:

“I love you Natalie Portman and I know you love me too. Now, abort your baby and run away with me!”

With an offer like that, it’s a forgone conclusion that she will be mine.

Moshe Kasher is a Stand Up Comedian and Author who can be seen on the upcoming season of the John Oliver Program on Comedy Central and is releasing his memoir “Kasher in the Rye” early next year.

What do you think?

About The Author

Moshe Kasher

Moshe Kasher is a standup comedian, actor and author. You can buy his memoir Kasher in the Rye here. Follow him on twitter @MosheKasher.

3 Responses

  1. alex vincent

    also don’t forget Black Swan also had the other hot Jewish girl Wynona Rider

    Reply
  2. John Pospisil

    I ejaculate on my TECH.BLORGE blog when watching Natalie Portman. I am bi-sexual and Jewish but like gay black meat the best! BIG and BLACK is the BEST!

    Reply

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