Glatt Kasher: Huffpo No Longer for the Po’

BY: Moshe Kasher

Full disclosure, I know one of the co-founders of the Huffington Post, so, I’m pretty happy for the guy for making a disgusting amount of money last night when AOL purchased the website for 315 million dollars.

As a Jew, I immediately imagine converting every dollar into gold coins that I would swim in, while not wearing any pants like Scrooge Mcduck, my huge feathery boner creating drag in my breast stroke, slowing me down.

I’m happy for the guy. Sincerely.

I can’t help but be a little bit nervous though, that that virus addled abortion of a media failure, America Online, now has its horrid little paws all over the HUFFPO.

By the way, Huffpo?

How sissy of a name could they possibly have come up with? Huffpo sounds like the town pet in a smurf village.

Anyway, now Gargamel has purchased the fluffy Huffpo and dragged it into it’s chat room.

A/S/L?

“Umm, I’m  5 years old, I can help you have sex with pseudo-intellectual left wingers and I’m everywhere you want to be.”

Wait, no that’s Visa not the Huffington Post.

Now, AOL once had a prominent place in my life. It was the OG of internet. Good Idea.  I can’t tell you how exciting it was for me to experiment with IM technology and cyber sex with some fat loser from Indiana who may or may not have been female.

That’s basically the extent of my connection to it but honestly, that’s a sentimental memory I’ll cherish forever.

But I just cannot help but think that the acquisition of the final progressive free-thinking popular news source in the world bought by a greedy corporate shit show isn’t a bad thing for the collective mind of humanity.

AOL exists to make a buck . I don’t begrudge that. I’m out here on the track selling pussy every day to pay my own bills for the same reason. Pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s necessary.(note: I’m not  actually a pimp)

But when you churn free thought into the meat grinder of corporate interest, the free thought becomes commodified, and thus watered down.

We have been eating intellectual steak and tomorrow night, it’s sloppy joes.

It’s all good, we are idiots regardless of whether we read the HUFFPO or not, it’s just, that slowly but surely, the little girl who would’ve wanted to pull herself from the grimy idiocy of the rest of humanity, who could’ve become the next great champion of human rights, or whatever bullshit good people are into, will be unable to access any real information to educate herself and will instead be treated to a pop-up ad from the  HUFFPO/AOL/NIKE/GENERAL ELECTRIC/FOX NEWS/BASKIN ROBBINS/SHELL OIL mega corporation that will ding and say:

“You’ve Got No Hope!”

Moshe Kasher is a Stand Up Comedian and Author who can be seen on the upcoming season of the John Oliver Program on Comedy Central and is releasing his memoir “Kasher in the Rye” early next year.

What do you think?