I would like you to stop doing drugs for one week.
I am concerned for you.
I think you might have a problem with life and you might not even know it because you keep medicating yourself with drugs so you can’t feel that you have a problem with life.
Take away your medicine and see what aches. Then treat the aches – BUT NOT WITH MORE MEDICINE.
I would like you to examine your relationship with relationships.
Your relationship makes everyone sick.
You never, ever hang out without bringing that person around.
I LIKE THAT PERSON.
But I also liked when it was just us who had a friendship.
You have buried yourself inside of your relationship and I forget if you have your own personality anymore.
On the other hand, I would like you (another you, a different you, perhaps even me) to stop fucking for a month or two.
You fuck so much and with so little regard for the act it seems like you are drinking methadone out of OPP. (are you down with that?)
You fuck like you are fucking away from love.
You fuck like you are fucking your brain quiet, fucking your heart still, fucking your desire to love away.
I would like you to try to get a real job.
Or to go back to school. Or to try really hard to better yourself.
I know it sounds judgmental but honestly, you need to be judged.
Your shit is too smart to keep pulling espresso shots for the rest of your life unless its from an espresso machine you own in a business you started.
Stop getting by, be great.
I would like you to stop moving.
Stay in one place for a year. Feel your toes grow into the earth. Roots and shit.
Make friends that last. Get a job. Collect stuff. Grow up.
I would like you to stop staying in one place. Take some risks. Quit your dumb job. Go to Patagonia. See the penguins. Fuck a prostitute in Amsterdam. (But dude who I told to stop fucking, perhaps don’t take this particular piece of advice) Do something! Stop being so goddamned grown up!
I would like you to stop shoveling garbage into yourself. Stop eating that. And that. And that.
Stop sneaking deep fried gravy cakes. It’s gross. And when you wonder aloud why you have a weight problem, we ALL roll our eyes.
I would like you to stop hating your body. If you aren’t skinny, stop attempting to be. Be healthy. For you maybe that doesn’t mean skinny. Stop talking about diets. Stop talking about weight you’ve lost. It makes us ALL sick. Plus some people like big butts. (I cannot lie.)
I would like you to stop being mean. Seriously, fucking be nice. Or at least try not to be mean. We all know why you do it. We all know you feel bad about yourself. But we really like you.
Even though you are making liking you VERY hard.
I would like you to be happy. I would like you to be free of the bullshit you tell yourself. I would like you to make the world better. I would like you to have adventures. I would like you to have more fun. I would like you to be good to me. I would like you to log off the internet. I would like you to be awesome. I would like you to lose your creepily late term virginity. I would like you to stop playing video games so much. I would like you to stop talking about your religion so much. I would like you to stop talking shit about religious people so much. I would like you to give money to charity. I would like you to find love. I would like you to be better than you are. Even though who you are is pretty impressive.
I like you.
Moshe Kasher is a stand up comedian and writer who has been featured on Comedy Central , NBC and E!. His album, “Everyone You Know is Going To Die, And Then You Are (Unless You Die First)” was named one of the top 20 comedy Albums of 2009 by Itunes. It can be purchased on his website, www.moshekasher.com where you can also find his tour dates. His memoir “Kasher in the Rye” will be released next year by Grand Central Publishing.