Chosen Comedy: Shayna Ferm

Shayna Ferm’s a clever, sexy girl who sings clever, sexy songs, both solo and with her band, The Upper Deckers. She talks about her favorite lyrics, sings to us about her pubes and tells of the time she impersonated a certain orifice on stage.

What’s the first song you ever performed?

It was a terrible. It was called “But Hold Me,” but it just sounded like I was saying the word “butthole” over and over again. Pure genius. Very clever. (Laughs)

You started writing music very young, right?

I wrote a lot of serious songs. Songs that are so serious that they’re hilarious now.

Do you remember any lines?

Sure. My very first song I ever wrote was in seventh grade. It was for the Gulf War. And it was called “The Flower.”

(She sings)

You can save the world,

The people, places, animals that need our help.

You can save the world,

With the love that lies in ourselves,

and if you do

Just think how happy all those lost children would be,

Because after all, all of it involves you and me.

There’s actually a line in the song that went, “There are countries that we’ve never heard of, without hugs from friends every night, without any love.”

Beautiful. Tell us about the new songs.

I have a brand new song. It’s my first political song. It’s pro-gay marriage, and it’s called “Marriage is for Fags.”

Want to give us a couple of lines?

Umm . . . can I use profanity?

Yes! Heeb Magazine is for the new Jew, not the old Jew.

[She sings.]

We’re soldiers of the Civil Union War,

We’re singing for equality to come knocking on your back door.

Two dicks are better than one

and lesbians can be kind of fun

While you’re at it, you know you oughtta

L-l-l-legalize marijuana

My all-time favorite line of yours is “Blonde” (about a brunette with blonde pubic hair). The Seal line in particular.

When I’m naked in a room, it’s like Seal and Heidi Klum

I’m a huge Cheers fan, I’ve got my own Sam and Diane.

What’s the best moment you’ve had performing when it’s like, “Wow, this is real rock and roll, not just comedy.”

[One time I sang] That first song I wrote, “But Hold Me.” We decided that at the very end of that song, people would put fudge on their fingers and they would put their fingers in a circular, butthole-like shape and my head would pop out of the butthole with fudge smeared over my face. Still, to this day, I remember that moment as the most exciting, hilarious moment in my comedy career. Putting my head through that poop was pure fun. Who cares about anything else? This moment is ridiculous.

Are your Jewish parents disappointed with your non-medical or legal career?

Oh, no. No, they think I’m in med school.

What you do is different from normal standup. Do you ever encounter hecklers?

I don’t get to, because I plow through my songs, but since my songs are on the sexier side, I have encountered some inappropriate hooting between songs.

Inappropriate hooting? Like what?

Like “go down on me.” Inappropriate sexual stuff between songs. And my husband is my bass player.

Didn’t you perform a bachelor party?

Worst night ever. I got hired because his brother was a huge fan, but it was really weird. I started with “Lube” because I thought they’d enjoy something saucy right off the bat. And the bachelor was an attention getter, he really needed all the focus on him. He held up a lighter and started swaying like he was at a concert. I stayed for a free drink after, of course . . . and someone told a story about how the bachelor had sex with a transvestite in Thailand. He didn’t think it was very funny.

Do you ever get lumped into a type that drives you crazy?

Yeah, I hate that I’m lumped into “woman comedian.” Also, guitar comedians are so looked down upon, it’s unreal. Everyone tells me, “I thought you were going to be like Phoebe from Friends, but then you were like Adam Sandler." Everyone expects a girl with a guitar to be like Phoebe.

Shayna Ferm will appear this Saturday at 8:00 p.m. at Moonwork. Her album, Blonde, is available on iTunes and shaynaferm.com. Click here to see the music video for "Walk of Shame." Alex Goldberg is a writer of theater, TV and film. He lives in New York City. Visit him at www.alexgoldberg.net.

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