Celebrity Shtup: I Fucked Screech

by Mary Ann Patton

Walking down the hall to take the elevator up the 12 stories gave me a little time to think: Should I sleep with C-list celebrity Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell?

Earlier in the evening, after showing my fake ID to get into a comedy club and throwing back a couple of beers, I found myself in the perfect position to heckle the television star I admired when I was younger. A few minutes into the set he asked for the Jews to make themselves known. This medium-sized audience in this medium-sized regional city held only one. Not being Jewish myself, I still clapped in support, and, when he pointed out my being a gentile to the rest of the crowd, I proudly shouted back, “I love Jews.”

The banter continued with jokes, winking and a few obscene hand gestures, I was even able to get a few laughs from the crowd on my own.

Post-show, Diamond waited outside to sign autographs and take Polaroids with anyone willing to shell out 10 bucks. I told him I was going out for drinks and that he was more than welcome to come along. He asked for my number instead and said he would call after finishing up his business at the comedy club.

For some reason that I still don’t fully understand myself, I actually scribbled my information down and handed it over.

A couple of neat J&B’s later, my phone rang. I made my way over to the Marriot. Three steps inside the door and his tongue was down my throat. The forwardness of his kiss continued onto the bed, which was where he informed me that he was a “tits man” and that mine “were pretty nice.” And people say men can’t compliment a girl like they used to.

The sex was extremely awkward, and Diamond shifted from one position to the next with all the grace of a 14-year old boy. After 10 minutes, he pulled out to cum on my stomach. The fact that he yelled out “Moo Goo Gai Pan” while ejaculating only heightened the magical moment. He offered to wipe me down with a towel, but I excused myself to the bathroom with a simple: “No, that’s ok. I can clean it up myself.”


The pillow talk consisted of 45 minutes of Diamond telling me about Adult Swim cartoons. He also showed me dozens of small plastic Halloween figurines he apparently collects.

It was third grade show and tell all over again, only I was topless. He went into great detail about these figurines, explaining which were rare and which “came in almost every fucking box.” Every time I reached for my shirt or looked at the time he interrogated me, asking me what I was doing. Finally, a friend called and I was able to get dressed and go. I walked over to the door, but Dustin wouldn’t stop talking. Standing there I couldn’t think of anything else to do but jiggle the door handle. With that action Diamond finally took the hint that I was ready to get the fuck out.

I’ve never been happy about sleeping with Dustin Diamond, but, when I can make someone’s day by sharing how I fucked Screech, the whole thing seems worthwhile.


What do you think?

About The Author

19 Responses

  1. SaucyBastard

    Mary, I don’t mean to sound like an ass but you are either really ugly/obese or one of those girls who f*cks celebs just to say they did i.e. a whore. In no situation and in no reality should “Screech” be allowed to touch a female body. The fact that you

  2. brainyfox

    OMG what a hater, SB! Look: good sex is great. But weird, f*d up, really-bad-sex is what we’ll be remembering and laughing about when we’re 80. So go out and have some bad sex so that you can turn that hate to laughter.

  3. Puck

    You stayed around for 45 minutes after having sex that lasted for 10?

  4. Donny

    I don’t believe the story – he was on tour, staying at the mariott hotel and shlepping his “figurine” collection?
    It’s a good story – just not fully credible . . .

  5. truthtruth

    you wanted a story and use the age old “A couple of neat J&B’s later” as though this was the reason your sorry ass went through with it. the truth is YOU live in a loser “medium sized regional city” and you can use anything you can get over there.

  6. TheSpinner

    Heeb — seriously — are you trying to be a magnet for misogynistic fucks? I like this story but am horrified by your reader’s attitudes. I know you don’t control the comments but are you inviting this type of reader by saturating your site with posts lik

  7. Puck

    Hmmm…seems to me if you’re gonna post a story on the web about how you screwed some complete stranger and let him bust his nut over you…then you have to expect that people will (quite correctly) point out that you’re a dirty slut :P
    There’s nothing m

  8. Hungry_Jew

    “Matricidal tendencies”–c’mon, Spinner. You sound like a jackass. This is a poignant tale by a woman who clearly has a sense of humor about herself and her own contradictions. She’s not writing a feminist manifesto here. She’s telling a story about a m

  9. Thorfinna

    So much hate here!!!

    I enjoyed your story – probably more than you enjoyed the experience. I’ll confess that I have a copy of the Screeched DVD, though I haven’t yet watched it. Not sure I want to now… perhaps in the company of friends.

  10. Kurt_Steinberg

    This story is definitely fake – nice try, but it didn’t happen. You expect us to believe that you had unprotected sex with Screech within minutes of meeting him? First, I’m pretty sure that Screech is gay and has been in a long-term relationship with De

  11. roccodumpster

    Definitely fake. Diamond only cavorts with diseased homeless men, Mr. Belding, and a fatty known as “fake wife” or the “Arbynator”. Diamond never in his life has penetrated anything, he forever has and will be the penetrated! I agree with Kurt that there

  12. roccodumpster

    This is a much more believable story about Dustin Diamond. This fine story is from 2005.

    “29th March 2005 – 01:59:48 PM
    12942 : Gay Zack
    So I met Dustin at a bar, he was asking me if I knew where he could buy an 8 ball of coke. I told him I could probabl

  13. TD

    I used to play for the 80’s rock band Head East….Wanna let me fuck you then come all over you ..You sound fun and the best thing about you is that you know when to leave….Ohh wait just thought of something…you’ve been pissed on by Screech….Yep pissed on , everyone knows that moron fumbled a pee’d before he fucked…


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