I am a bad person. Not a horrible person, not an awful person…but definitely a bad one. I make mistakes, I make errors in judgement, I forget important things and don’t follow rules of social etiquette. I say things i shouldn’t and do things I have no idea why I did. Because of this, Yom Kippur is my favorite “holiday”. It means that I get to let go of all the bad bits of the previous year and start off with a clean slate. i decided that doing this in a public forum would help me feel more cleansed, so here are a few of the things I will be atoning for as hunger gnaws at my belly all day tomorrow. Prepare yourself, 5772 was a doozy:
- I thought that my twin sisters, whose births I witnessed, were eight. They are, in fact, nine.
- I plotted to drive one of my coworkers to a complete emotional breakdown. There were flowcharts involved and everything.
- I laughed about this for a solid two minutes.
- I attempted to make my puppy develop an eating disorder so that he stays thin.
- I made approximately 37 jokes in various HEEB articles about Jews being cheap. BTW, Jews are super cheap.
- I lit a cigarette off of my menorah during Channukah…every night.
- I was gay. That’s a sin, right?
- I fooled countless cab drivers by telling them “oh, it’s basically in Williamsburg” before promptly falling asleep in the backseat, leaving them to navigate Bushwick alone.
- I have told at least one lie every day this year. AT LEAST.
Well, I feel much better. Share your own fast-worthy sins in the comments below and please send hate mail so that I can get started on new bad deeds for 5773.