I am a bad person. Not a horrible person, not an awful person…but definitely a bad one. I make mistakes, I make errors in judgement, I forget important things and don’t follow rules of social etiquette. I say things i shouldn’t and do things I have no idea why I did. Because of this, Yom Kippur is my favorite “holiday”. It means that I get to let go of all the bad bits of the previous year and start off with a clean slate. i decided that doing this in a public forum would help me feel more cleansed, so here are a few of the things I will be atoning for as hunger gnaws at my belly all day tomorrow. Prepare yourself, 5772 was a doozy:
- I thought that my twin sisters, whose births I witnessed, were eight. They are, in fact, nine.
- I plotted to drive one of my coworkers to a complete emotional breakdown. There were flowcharts involved and everything.
- I laughed about this for a solid two minutes.
- I attempted to make my puppy develop an eating disorder so that he stays thin.
- I made approximately 37 jokes in various HEEB articles about Jews being cheap. BTW, Jews are super cheap.
- I lit a cigarette off of my menorah during Channukah…every night.
- I was gay. That’s a sin, right?
- I fooled countless cab drivers by telling them “oh, it’s basically in Williamsburg” before promptly falling asleep in the backseat, leaving them to navigate Bushwick alone.
- I have told at least one lie every day this year. AT LEAST.
Well, I feel much better. Share your own fast-worthy sins in the comments below and please send hate mail so that I can get started on new bad deeds for 5773.
Don’t feel bad, I ate bacon in front of my Bubbe just to piss her off for talking crap about my weight gain…
This is all excusable except for the one about your dog. How dare you.