A Nosh For The Soldiers, Maybe?

In an effort to support our troops by giving them heartburn and gas, New York’s Fairway Markets is offering the USO Care Packages promotion, an “inexpensive” way to show your appreciation to the troops as only us Americans know how; by sending fatty foods overseas.

One of the gift baskets that Fairway is promoting is the Bissle of NY on the Go, a cholesterol nightmare of a package featuring Herbrew National Salami, Rye Bread, “Hewbrew” (type-o, fellas) National Mustard, Rugelach, Black & White Cookies, Ubet Syrup, Canada Dry Seltzer, Beigel’s Melt-A-Way Babke, Mallomars, and Fairway’s Own Coffee. Now sending this group of foods to a U.S. Army recruit would only make sense in the head of a Jewish New Yorker. Why wouldn’t a soldier stationed in, let’s say, Iraq want a Jewy basket of Jewness? Say, are you stuck in the middle of an extreme and tense conflict fighting off the enemy of Democracy who, presumably, would hate the very notion of rugelach as a desert food? Well then, how about some rugelach to “nosh on” in between those gun turret rounds? Because nothing provides morale to the soldiers like mustard on salami.

But despite the surreal nature of the Bissle of NY package, I can’t help but notice what’s missing from it like a dozen H & H bagels, Kosher for Passover Temptee Cream Cheese, a silk yarmulke, the 1,001 Things to Complain About book, a Seinfeld DVD collection, and a mohel knife to perform self-circumcisions. And no stereotypical Upper West Side-inspired parcel would be complete without an Asian-American girlfriend. But now that I think about it that would make postage pretty expensive. And Lord knows, we hate paying a lot for anything.