_Heeb_ Magazine Future Issue (Accidentally) Triggers Nuclear War

I am blogging to you from the future. I know this might sound like just another irreverent stunt on our part. Alas, I only wish it were the case. It’s been 40 years since the Mass Extinction in which 90 percent of life on earth was destroyed. The cause was the cover of our Future Issue, a nightmarish vision of a nuclear explosion in the heart of Jerusalem.

I am writing this to warn you: In the very near future, a careless intern at the Israeli Ministry of Defense named Eric Weintraub will mix his copy of Heeb Magazine’s Future Issue with classified intelligence reports he was xeroxing. His supervisor, mistaking the cover image for actual intelligence, will immediately bring it to attention of the Israeli Minister of Defense, who will then place it in front of the semi-conscious Ariel Sharon, who will wiggle his toes to order a full-scale nuclear retaliation against all enemies of the Jewish State. War will engulf much of the world, as a result, followed by unprecedented death and destruction.

I have spent the last 40 years searching for a way to right our wrong— to somehow send a message to the past and prevent this tragedy. Today, using cybernetic implants in my right brain lobe and left testicle, I’ve found a way to plant this post on your internet and communicate this message to you: If a copy Heeb Magazine’s Future Issue reaches intern Eric Weintraub in Israel, life as we know it, will surely end. The future of the world is in your hands. This is not a joke. Eric Weintraub must be stopped.

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What do you think?

About The Author

Josh became an editor-at-large after accruing exorbitant legal fees as the publisher of Heeb in his efforts to trademark the word "irreverent." Follow him on Twitter @joshuaneuman.

30 Responses

  1. Oliver

    “But we wish to give the Jews a Homeland. Not by dragging them ruthlessly out of their sustaining soil, but rather by removing them carefully, roots and all, to a better terrain.”

    – T. Herzl

  2. Kammie

    “using cybernetic implants in my right brain lobe and left testicle” i’m dying with laughter.

  3. henriyardy

    NOPE. I am no fan of Israel but IRAN is getting out of hand.

    Sorry to say this but I would rather that Iran gets knocked back into the STONE age by Israel before they perfect Nuclear weapons that can target American assets in their neighborhood.

  4. iconic

    Reports now of demonstrations, in Jerusalem, by groups calling themselves Bashertniks. Their message is, Eric Weintraub must not be stopped.

  5. jewlicious

    I found Eric Weintraub. Let’s just say that with the help of some relatives in Netanya, we won’t be hearing from this boy for a long, long time. Also, if you’re in Israel, do not eat shwarma anywhere near the Tel Aviv central bus station for the next week

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