The _Heeb_ Holiday Gift Guide

If Hanukkah snuck up on you this year as it did us, you still have a bit of shopping left to do before tomorrow night (!!). But before you rush to the mall, be sure to check out Heeb‘s official holiday gift guide: eight recommendations for eight nights of grateful friends and family. Ranging from the seriously practical to the absurdly entertaining, our list consists of items we wish someone would think to give us (cough, cough) instead of a brand new copy of _You: On a Diet_ or yet another gift certificate to Old Navy.

*_Frank_, Amy Winehouse*
Available at most music stores, $19.99
Unfortunately for some, Amy Winehouse’s descent into a Britney-esque mess has overshadowed her absolute raw talent. Although her smash of a record, _Back to Black_ (which included huge summer hit, “Rehab”) was her introduction to the U.S., those lucky folks in the UK sampled her songwriting and vocal talents way back four years ago with her debut record *_Frank_*, now being released Stateside. The album includes songs that range from the powerful (“Stronger Than Me”), to the soulful (“You Send Me Flying”) and to the downright funny (“Fuck Me Pumps”). Winehouse may have been less angst-ridden and considerably less coiffed back then, but _Frank_ shows this girl had no less to sing about.

*”Faigelah Bird”*
“Oytoys.com”:http://www.oytoys.com, $6.95
Fido’s Judy Garland doll all chewed up? Thanks to these Alabama-based pet lovers, your limp-pawed furball won’t have to hold out for the next _Wizard of Oz_ collectible to fall off the bedroom shelf. The online tchotchke shop’s *”Faigelah Bird”* is not only vibrantly-colored for man’s nelly best friend, but it also makes a fabulousss squeaky noise. You’d be surprised how many four-leggers have already learned to mimic “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with this plush toy.

*Rabbi’s Daughters “Tush” Panties*
“Rabbisdaughters.com”:http://www.rabbisdaughters.com, $18.00
Sure, there’s no shortage of apparel out there eagerly festooned with jokes or slogans. But few inspire a giggle instead of a groan and are as comfortable as they are amusing. The 100% soft cotton *”Tush” panties* from Rabbi’s Daughters—a clothing and jewelry company started by the three daughters of a Holocaust survivor and, yes, a rabbi—are perfect for when you want to say, “I’d like to see you almost naked, but I still respect you as a Jew”.

*_The Sarah Silverman Program_, Season 1 DVD*
“Comedycentral.com”:http://shop.comedycentral.com/The-Sarah-Silverman-Program–The-First-Season-Front-Page_stcVVproductId21031047VVcatId424910VVviewprod.htm, $13.99
In the grand tradition of antisocial character-based sitcoms, comes *_The Sarah Silverman Program_*, a show that takes the genre a few leaps farther and lands in some poop. Filled to overflowing with the sexual and the scatological, Silverman’s show grabs the comedian’s onstage persona and plunks her down in Valley Village, California with two lumbering, gay neighbors, a sister and her dumb cop boyfriend, and a dog Sarah found in the trash. _The New Yorker_ dubbed the show “The meanest sitcom in years—and one of the funniest” and Comedy Central called it the network’s “most successful primetime launch in three years.” It’s not hard to see why: In Season 1, Sarah convinces herself she has AIDS, shits herself and sings about it, and has a disappointing one-night stand with “black God”.

The Goonies Action Figures
“Mezcotoyz.com”:http://www.mezcotoyz.com, $17.00
Everyone made a big stink when toys based on The Warriors came out, but any true cult film fanatic knows an action figure isn’t an action figure unless it’s replete with cool accessories—and it doesn’t get much better than The Goonies from Mezco Toyz. Our favorite toothy mutant Sloth doll comes with a pirate hat, sword and candy bar. Data carries darts and dynamite. Mouth’s got his hairbrush. Mikey has his inhaler in hand. As for our favorite, kosher loudmouth Chunk? He’s found with a statue of David, a milkshake and a slice of pizza. What trinkets could those Coney Island punks from _The Warriors_ come with? Miniature MTA cards?

*Maptote*
“Maptote.com”:http://www.maptote.com, Available at select stores
A simple idea, but one that makes you wonder why you haven’t thought of it before: stylist Rachel Rheingold and cartographer Michael Berick’s company, *Maptote*, creates cotton tote bags silkscreened with stylized maps of different cities. Adorned with little illustrations of important municipal features (cherry blossoms for Washington DC, the sun for Los Angeles), they’re painfully charming and perfect for someone who just moved to a new place or that friend who just can’t stop talking about how awesome Brooklyn is. Plus, carrying one of these bags will make playing Jewish geography that much easier (“Oh, you’re from Portland! Do you know the Schwartzes?”).

*Vicks Warm Mist Humidifier*
“Target”:http://www.target.com/Vicks-Warm-Mist-Humidifier-V-745A/dp/B000ILFPVA/sr=1-1/qid=1196706106/ref=sr_1_1/601-1583499-2266539?ie=UTF8&index=target&rh=k%3Avicks&page=1, $13.59
As much as you try to deny your Jewish genetics, the truth is that winter turns you into even more of a sniveling, sneezing, wheezing mess than usual. It’s time to finally give in and pamper yourself like the 80-year-old men in the shvitz steamroom: Ask for a humidifier this Hanukkah and your sinuses, lungs and pores will thank you later. The *Vicks Warm Mist Humidifier* is small enough that you can hide it in the corner of your room and your young house guests will be none the wiser. (And you know how we hate to play into stereotypes, but the “Crane brand Hello Kitty humidifier”:http://www.target.com/Crane-Hello-Kitty-Ultrasonic-Humidifier/dp/B000E5VJLU/sr=1-1/qid=1196706154/ref=sr_1_1/601-1583499-2266539?ie=UTF8&index=target&rh=k%3Acrane%20hello%20kitty&page=1 is just too good for Jewish guys with Asian girlfriends to pass up.)

*HateMail Greeting Cards*
“Hatemailgreetings.com”:http://www.hatemailgreetings.com, $15.00 for a pack of 10
It’s tough to find a card that can sum up everything you’re feeling this season, but with phrases like “Jesus loves you, but I hear he’s not picky”, “Grow a pair” and “I’ll never forgive you”, *HateMail greeting cards* can really do the job. They’re beautiful, they’re handmade and they can offer a nice dose of family (“Do you really need that slice of pie?”) for anyone who can’t make it home for the holidays.

What do you think?