An Open Letter to Benny Feilhaber

Dear Benny,

I first came across your name and photo when trolling the Internet one lovely afternoon, googling “Jews + World Cup,” which led to a minor freakout in front of my boss. I had no idea such a cute M.O.T. was on Team USA!  But fuck it: Even if you weren’t half-Jewish like me, I’d be thinking of you.

I’ve always had a thing for soccer boys, you see. I played field hockey in high school and we’d always watch as the soccer team, as their glistening pubescent pecs would dribble by.  Sometimes I’d gaze longingly at them during our hellish-timed mile runs while they ran and carried weights on the beaches of Chicago’s Lake Michigan.

You seem really nice and humble. I think we’d get along. I also like that you’ve lived all over the world and speak Portuguese, English, German and Spanish ‘cause I need a cultured guy. Plus I just returned from a semester in Spain and need someone to practice my Spanish with—might this be you?

I’ll be cheering Team USA on tomorrow (p.s. have you seen those funny Washington-crossing-the-Delaware spoof Billboards?) and watching for you.

Let’s set something up when you’re back stateside. You can find me through this website. I’m serious—holla at ‘ya girl.

What do you think?