BY: Moshe Kasher
Last Sunday was the Grammys and we were all reminded of how mindlessly unimportant awards are. But, if you missed them, here are my highlights from the ceremonies:
The evening began with a tribute to Aretha Franklin, a legend of legendary proportions.
Jennifer Hudson took the stage and showed us that black girls can get anorexia too.
Christina Aguilera impressed by not misspelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture show arrived in a giant Egg (Jk- that was Lady Gaga).
An endless parade of white, anonymous faces sung uninspired country music.
The black guy from Bruno Mars became the first black man in history to wear a monocle.
Bieber danced with the main character from the Shinobi video game series. And literally gave Usher head (jk).
Lady Gaga dedicated her win to Whitney Houston who, in turn responded, “Can I borrow twenty bucks?”
Bob Dylan looked as alive as Dylan Thomas.
Cee Lo looked like Elton John if he murdered Big Bird for his pelt.
Kanye West jumped up when Lady Antebellum won for best record and said “Imma let you finish, Imma let you finish but Justin Bieber… actually go ahead and finish..”
Mick Jagger showed why he still gets 20 year old poon after all these years.
Kris Kristofferson and Barbara Streisand made every twenty year old in the world chant “WHO?” simultaneously.
Eminem showed everyone on earth that the second A in Alcoholics Anonymous is mostly optional.
Rihanna’s pussy looked like it won the WBE wrestling championship.
Nicki Minaj came out dressed as Nutella Deville.
Hipsters won best album of the year. Arcade Fire was as surprised as Eminem was angry. Sigh. No respect for white rappers.
Finally the big winner of the night winning both best record and best song (an identical award for no reason) was Lady Antebellum for the song “Need You Now” – which was actually the worst song of the year. It blew my mind. Rain Fell Upwards. The end was nigh. Jesus Returned, heard that song, was like that sucks, and went back to heaven and left us all to figure out how we got so off track.
All in all it was a fun abortion.
Moshe Kasher is a Stand Up Comedian and Author who can be seen on the upcoming season of the John Oliver Program on Comedy Central and is releasing his memoir “Kasher in the Rye” early next year.