*Aries (March 21-April 19)* A mutable eclipse on September 11th makes you receptive to healing techniques. Schedule your facial at Bliss Spa pronto. Gentlemen: The hairy ones amongst you (you know who you are), now’s the time to brave the painful storm of a back wax. A retrograde mercury aspect in October requires you focus immediate attention on family, so use your free weekend minutes to call your mother 13 times instead of your usual five.
*Taurus (April 20-May 20)* Early November brings a quincunx from Mercury in your health sector. You’ll get sick if you’re not careful to balance your diet and hydrate. This means no more happy hours on Park Avenue South drinking $14 appletinis. Stay home instead. Drink tea. Netflix anything without Mel Gibson in it.
*Gemini (May 21-June 20)* In September, Mars dashes through Gemini, making you short-tempered and anxious. Take a nap, a yoga class, a Quaalude. Take that trip to Club Med Aruba you’ve been mulling over—whatever it is you need to calm down. A full moon on November 24th widely aspects both Venus and Neptune, emphasizing your artistic inclinations. Take up slam poetry and perform your first piece (an homage to your teenage battle with acne) at the Nuyorican Poets CafÃ©. Invite family
*Cancer (June 21-July 22)* As October begins, Mars crosses into your sign making you more assertive than usual. At a family function you tell your always-pushy relative to finally fuck off. “I’ll settle down when I’m good and ready!” you say and pour yourself another glass of Manischewitz. Then you remind him/her, “There are too many fish in the sea” and sneak away with the swarthy clarinetist in the hired Klezmer band.
*Leo (July 23-August 22)* Venus is in retrograde in Leo through September 9th, promising a second chance at a lost love: Someone from Camp Ramah you haven’t seen in 15 years returns. The good news? They never forgot you. The bad news? She hasn’t flossed since the last time you saw her, and you spot the tooth decay from the other end of the bar long before you realize who it is that you’re looking at.
*Virgo (August 23-September 22)* The Virgo eclipse at the new moon on September 11th says it’s time for you to establish a connection with the earth and generations past. Visit a relative’s graveside and—in keeping with his/her lifelong tradition of spendthrift-ness—bring a bouquet of baby’s breath to strew atop the headstone. (You can almost hear the spirit of your beloved Grandpa Morty bark in your ear, “$2.99 a bunch! Now that’s a bargain!”)
*Libra (September 23-October 23)* In September your 9th house of spirituality is activated by Gemini transits, making it an ideal month to learn about other faiths. Asian guys aren’t your usual type, but this month it’d behoove you to befriend-plus-benefits a Taoist. Accompany him to a lecture on how to follow the Way and afterwards, do him in the bathroom. Then call your friends immediately to confirm whether or not what they say about Asian men is true.
*Scorpio (October 24-November 21)* The first three weeks of October, Mercury is in your sign. This signifies a push for you to focus on how you’re communicating with others, so STOP TEXT MESSAGING! Accept it as a bullshit form of interpersonal connectedness and start calling your friends and family when you think syou’ve got something to say. During the last half of November, Mercury enters Scorpio again, improving multi-generational relationships. At Thanksgiving dinner, your grandmother says not a word about your weight.
*Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)* Eclipses in September point to sudden changes in career. It’s time to give up your ambition of “Party Planner to the Starz” and instead accept your fate as trophy wife to your investment banker/doctor/lawyer of a husband. At Mabon, perform a blessing on your surroundings. You can do this by purchasing either a) a new Mezzuzah or b) pieces of the Wicker Collection on sale this month on the Pottery Barn website.
*Capricorn (December 22-January 19)* September 5th brings a trine from Mercury in your 9th house. As you’ll find yourself more eloquent than usual, say yes when asked to speak at an upcoming wedding or funeral. On October 9th, Venus returns to favorable angle in your 9th house where it remains through November 8th, making it an optimal time to make friends. Join the cantorial club at The Weisberg Hebrew Religious Center or strike up a conversation with one of the 800 Hasidic salesman at B & H Video over on Ninth Avenue.
*Aquarius (January 20-February 18)* Due to Venus’ change in direction on September 9th, you begin exploring new levels of intimacy in your romantic involvements. It’s the perfect time to try that threesome he keeps talking about. From mid-October through November 8th, Venus joins Saturn in your 8th house, a sector relating to contact with the afterlife, so whip out the Ouija board to help pass the time while you fast on Yom Kippur.
*Pisces (February 19-March 20)* October 1st to 23rd brings an aspected grand trine in water signs involving Mercury, Mars and Uranus, making these months a wonderful period for research and study. See if you can’t figure out what it was that possessed our ancestors to name a planet Uranus in the first place. Because of the Mercury retrograde, travel to a new destination (your parents’ new condo in Boca, maybe?) before October 12th, then backtrack along a familiar path (how about your friend’s
share in the Hamptons?) later in the month.