Heaven’s Rejects

For many Christians, the Apocalypse represents a time when their beloved Savior will return and bring them to the big line dance in the sky; for the rest of us, the idea of “the end of days” sounds a little more like, well, the end of days. But maybe the rapture doesn’t have to be all epic catastrophe and harlots riding seven-headed dragons. Maybe you can not only survive the Christian Apocalypse, but also profit from it.

Step One: Be Prepared
The key to making a sound investment has always been the anticipation of new or unfulfilled needs, and in the portentous times, there will certainly be plenty of them. The Book of Revelation is filled with floods, raging fires and all manner of hideous demons and beasties. Be entrepreneurial and stock up on inflatable life rafts, rape whistles and flame retardant spray. Once the Big One hits, you will be able to sell them at a huge markup.

Step Two: Wait it Out
While the rest of the world lines up to be judged, take a tip from the hundreds of Jews who hid during the Holocaust: Find a nice attic to hang out in with a few friends until the whole doomsday thing blows over. Then, after the rest of the earth’s population is either whisked up to Heaven or thrown into the great lake of fire, emerge and have the planet all to yourself. (Please note: According to some, the apocalyptic period could last up to 1,000 years, so make sure to stock up on snacks.)

Step Three: Convert
When all else fails, go on and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Your grandparents may not talk to you again, but those $18 checks on you birthday weren’t going to be much help in the great abyss anyway. But be warned, insincere proclamations of faith do not count. (Apparently they have some sort of magical polygraph test.)

Step Four: Disguise Yourself
The Book of Revelation tells of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who will show up on earth during the time of tribulation. We suggest finding your own horse and inconspicuously galloping along side of them. Who knows, maybe no one will notice.

Step Five: Embrace the Dark Side
Spending eternity with the damned might not be so bad. You can always open that hot stone message parlor like you’ve always wanted. And if you ever get into a tight spot, don’t worry. We know a guy.


Related Posts:

Grave New World: Daniel Pinchbeck suggests doing yoga and hallucinogens to prepare for the Apocalypse.Â

Zombie Apocalypse: Interview with Max Brooks

What do you think?

About The Author

Oliver Noble

High school dropout Oliver Noble has managed to parlay his Los Angeles internship with a coke whore into creating tasteless works which that have been featured in Heeb, Girls and Corpse Magazine and Asylum.com.

9 Responses

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  3. almostjew

    at the risk of sounding serious, not all Christians hold to the notion of the rapture…while it is probably a majority view among evengelicals today, the difference between those who do and those who don’t is as significant as the difference between reformed and orthodox Jews..merely fyi


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