BY: Moshe Kasher
Well, the Oscars happened, sorta.
James Franco and Anne Hathaway bumbled their young asses through the most awkward Academy Awards ever and produced a cringe fest. Here were some of my favorite moments:
Keith Urban and his wife Larry Bird in drag dazzled on the red carpet.
Gwyneth Paltrow continued to transition her embarrassing movie career into an embarrassing singing career
Louis Gosset Junior was looking pretty Senior.
Hollywood Legend, Ichabod Crane aka Kirk Douglas trembled onstage prompting the entire viewing audience to gasp “Dear God, what is that thing!!” The veil between life and death was made visible as Kirk regaled us with tales of having been at the actual King’s Speech.
Befuddled as he may have been, Douglas never looked as confused and unaware as James Franco so there’s hope for him to host next years awards.
Anne Hathaway ruined the show. I found her much worse than franco. He may have been checked out but she was FAR FAR too checked in. Every overly sincere number was a failure. It was embarrassing. I’d still fuck her though.
The best foreign film was awarded to a Danish FILF (Foreign I’d Like to Fuck).
Billy Crystal aka Billy Botox walked onstage to the first crowd that has been delighted to see Billy Crystal in years. You could almost hear his inner dialogue screaming “You miss old Billy Boy doncha! You thought you could replace me . SUCK MY CRYSTAL DIIIIICK!”
Christian Bale forgot his wife’s name becoming the only Oscar winner in history not to get a BJ at the after-party.
Trent Reznor came to the podium looking much more “I want to take you to Soccer Practice” than “I want to fuck you like an animal.”
Franco continued to ruin lines that had been pre-ruined by the writers.
Oprah revealed that she was Bansky.
Bob Hope out-hosted Franco and Hathaway as a dead guy hologram.
Jennifer Hudson continued her reign as the Black Twiggy, queen of african american disordered eating. She actually won an Oscar for “Most In Need of a Sandwich”
I said Annette Benning looked super hot for her age, googled her age and then took what I said back.
And finally, James Franco looked confusedly into space as the name for best actor was read. The Academy might as well have said “You ruined the Oscars, so you don’t get one.
Next year I vote for the entire Kardashian Family to host the Oscars and just throw all remaining dignity out the door. Until then….