Today I got up and spent some time with my best buddy, papa internet. All day long I surfed, refreshed flirted and wasted my life away online. That’s freedom.
Egypt is burning.
The entire Arab world is scintillated by the images of the Egyptian people and the Tunisians before them rising up and demanding agency in their collective destinies. The most powerful Arab nation on earth is in the midst of a populist revolt. We are witnessing the most significant moment in the Arab political landscape in 50 years.
But no one is talking about the real sacrifice being made by the revolutionaries in Egypt.
Sure they are risking life and limb for freedom but who cares about that?
THEY DONT HAVE THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW.
Like at all.
Think about when your internet goes out. When the shaky signal you’ve been pirating from the “Wecanhearyouhavingsex” network goes down. No one to call, you are stuck.
Imagine now that there was no internet anywhere. No place to go check email. No place to go tweet that amazing joke you thought of (me, not you, your tweets are boring, mine are the stuff of genius and available: @moshekasher)
At night, when it’s time for the pre-bed jerk sesh?
It’s all imagination for you, buddy. You’re going to have to recall that ugly girl you slept with who inexplicably pops up every time you jerk to the pornhub of your mind. All the hot girls you’ve ever been with (and honestly, there haven’t been many bro, you’re busted) are pushed aside for that chick with the scar and bad teeth.
EVERY MAN IN EGYPT IS JERKING OFF TO HER RIGHT NOW.
Just imagine, you want to buy a nice pair of shoes from Urban Outfitters online. You can’t face actually entering an Urban because of how pathetic you feel being in your thirties, shopping for identical items that the fourteen year old boy next to you is purchasing.
Sorry, no can do. The Pharaoh has taken away the net. You’re going to have to walk right into the Urban Outfitters that just opened at the Great Pyramid.
LET MY PEOPLE GO.
Mubarak. Give the people back their internet. How can they get used copies of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? How can they watch the new Lil B The Based God video on you tube? How can they I.M. Their ex girlfriend “Sup?… You Up?” and rekindle, for one night, that sick fucked up relationship. They can’t wikipedia what Chinese people eat for breakfast. They can’t google how to spell “business.” They can’t see annoying white hipster chicks taking pictures of cupcakes they baked or critiquing people for not knowing the difference between your and you’re as if that’s important for basic human functionality.
They can’t do any of these things. Mubarak, when you take away the internet, you take away the lives of people who have no lives.
By the way, anyone noticing the similarities in the names of our leader and theirs?
I knew that dude was Muslim. And Socialist.
Just kidding , I don’t think that because I’m not a stupid piece of shit.
Anyway, let’s support the Egyptian people in their time of struggle. They deserve it. Today, Walk Like An Egyptian means to walk, with a flaming garbage can hoisted overhead screaming “Death to Mubarak!”
Moshe Kasher is a Stand Up Comedian and Author who can be seen on the upcoming season of the John Oliver Program on Comedy Central and is releasing his memoir “Kasher in the Rye” early next year.