Bigmouth Strikes Again: An Oral Report

_(excerpted from original article)_
Once upon a time, the conventional wisdom was clear. The mouth of a Jewish woman served three purposes, and three alone—to berate, emasculate and ask for money. Blowjobs were not part of the equation, not even in matters of life and death. Take this tired old saw:

_A Jewish woman accompanies her husband to the doctor. After the doctor has given him a full check-up, he calls the wife into his office._
_”Debbie,” says the doctor. “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. In order for him to live, I suggest you relax him by performing passionate and complete fellatio on him twice a day, mid-morning and mid-afternoon.”_
_Debbie thanks the doctor and leaves. She goes to the car where her husband is waiting._
_”Well?” he asks. “What did the doctor say?”_
_”He says you’re going to die.”_

Jokes like this have long been considered part of the folklore of the Jewish American Princess, but ever since Monica Lewinsky grinned toothily from the cover of _Newsweek_ the plate tectonics of schlong-sucking have been shifting.

“A Jewish girl and oral sex? I don’t believe it!” quipped noted comic and midget Jackie Mason following the Lewinsky scandal.

Believe it. Once known for filing their nails while enduring their monthly intercourse, today the oral prowess of the Jewish woman is the stuff of, if not quite le gend, then good-natured, if off-color, assumption. Latinas got back, French women don’t shave their pits, Jewish women give great head.

The writing is all over the Western Wall: Elizabeth Wurtzel’s account of the “accidental blowjob” in _Prozac Nation_, the Hebrew Hammer’s mother urging a little oral action for her boychik over the dinner table in _The Hebrew Hammer_, Demi Moore becoming “Jewish with a vengeance” in Woody Allen’s _Deconstructing Harry_ by making the blessing over the blowjob, my old friend Jessica famously fitting two cocks in her mouth at once during a particularly rowdy shabbaton.

How the hell did this happen?

How did Goldie Hawn’s pampered princess in _Private Benjamin_, whose husband literally has a heart attack when she puts his dick in her mouth, mature into Barbra Streisand’s earthy sex therapist in _Meet the Fockers_, who knowingly unleashes the carnal tigress from Blythe Danner’s prim WASP housewife with a little girl talk and an earlobe rub? How did the Jewish woman become the first-chair flautist in the skin section?

And why do discussions about Jewish female sexuality so often take place in the context of cock-sucking? Is there something essentially Jewish about fellatio? After centuries of masacres, are we the product of some lewd natural selection, in which the copious production of saliva and disciplined suppression of the gag reflex proved the only means of survival? Did thousands of years of circumcised men spare us the unfortunate cheese flavor to which the hapless Gentiles were mercilessly exposed?

Sigmund Freud, the one who gave us a name for our oral fixation in the first place, famously quipped: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” No doubt he would be delighted to know that even today, for Jewish women, a blowjob is never just a blowjob.

What do you think?

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