The WGA I come from Russian-Jewish stock. I practically have socialism running in my veins. But when, in the wake of a nasty strike, the WGA leadership makes public the names of those who have opted out of the union and calls on the membership to “ostracize” (read: blacklist) those writers, it evokes bitter memories...

The Star’s Producing Partner You grew up with him. Or went to acting class with her. Or were the first dude he met the day before finally getting cast on the show that Changed His Life. But because your name is right next to his on the bungalow, where, from your perch, you get to...

Bad Nuts Once in a while, even when munchin’ on, say, a bag of high-end Bazzini cashews, you’ll come across a nut that tastes a li’l fruitier than the others. Disgusting. So, who in their right mind would have the gall to sell a bag of just those heinous nuts? I tried one of those...

Hotel Key Cards Yes, my key card did go near “a cell phone and/or credit card.” I guess that’s why it got de-magnetized, forcing me to trudge through the 50-degree casino in flip-flops and a sopping wet bathing suit all the way to the front desk. Thanks for sparing me the inconvenience of twisting a...

“I Might Make It” The response that frequently oozes from the mouths of self-centered social-climbers who are unable to confirm their Sunday plans on Saturday. Perhaps I’m just being petty. After all, how can I possibly expect the assistant to the publicist who knows the casting agent behind Tim Burton’s latest project to make a...

Clipboard People Soliciting for a cause outside cafes where poor writers with left-leaning ideologies and hair-trigger guilt complexes go to eke out existences? No thanks, I’ll skip the gut punch to my self-worth as I shake my head, put my hands in my pockets and slink back to my apartment to call my disappointed mother...

“Just a Tweak” Many words should be struck from the Hollywood lexicon (“passion” comes to mind), but nothing makes me wince like the use of “tweak.” If you want a page-one rewrite, just say so and stop giving me this “We love it! We’d just like a couple tweaks” crap. Do you think my self-esteem...

Horror Remakes For the love of Romero, stop with the scary movie remakes before I kill somebody. Was it really necessary to crank out another When a Stranger Calls just because we now have cell phones? Did we need that douche from Van Wilder to lead the way for yet another Amityville installment? After watching...

Baby Bumps When Mr. Show dreamt up the cynical notion of a prenatal fashion show, the targets were rednecks in the post-JonBenet era. But in fact, the Hollywood elite and their parasitic tabloid culture have become the serial fetus fetishizers. If I read one more creepy headline about Nicole Kidman or Jessica Alba finally showing...

My Belly Hello, hairy stranger. I don’t recall inviting you to block my view of my penis for the past decade. Yes, I know that nobody pointed a gun to my head and forced me to march to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. But it’s just too easy to bloat up in this starchy, sugary, Netflix-y...

Greedy Wi-Fi Owners Do you sleep better knowing your less fortunate neighbors and the patron at the downstairs café can’t get their claws on your personal stash of the World Wide Web? Why else would you opt to require a password to enter your network? Well, hopefully one of these nights, The Ghost of Internet...

Skin Bronzer Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, “How sad.” Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make you look like an alien with a skin cancer fetish. Furthermore, there is nothing un-sexier than waking up from a night of passion to...