Second Ave. Deli Please just move to Times Square where you belong. Think about it: All the German and Japanese tourists will be within walking distance, and you can even raise the price of a pastrami sandwich from $14.25 to $25. It’s time to fess up to what you are: an overpriced theme restaurant-cum-nostalgia trip...

Slow ATM Users What in the name of God is taking you so long? Get out your $20 for half-price margarita night and be on your way. The numbers on the keyboard go in order. And in case that is too complicated, they invited this thing that might be of help—it’s called a bank teller....

Girls Who Date Their Yoga Teachers Does another one of my friends seriously have to entertain a smarmy flirtation with her yoga teacher? Is this really a better alternative to meeting guys at a bar? The fact that this dude can stand on his head for three hours at a time doesn’t excuse his New...

Gourmet Ice Cream It’s summer in the city and it’s so hot out that the air is getting wavy. You run with the rest of the kids down the block, chasing the ice cream truck, only to find some alien stand-in, some horrific usurper, offering you eco-carob with ginger or artisan acai pomegranite, at only...

Boston Drivers Look, it’s not like I don’t appreciate your letting me cross while you still have a green light. But you were the last car in line. I had my course timed to pass right behind you as you drove by at normal speed. Instead, your slowdown is a cue for me to scurry...

Post-Flush Etiquette in Public Restrooms Why does a minute and a half elapse between the time you flush the toilet and actually exit the stall? What exactly are you doing in there for those extra 90 seconds? And don’t tell me you’re “adjusting” yourself? What are you “adjusting”? Tucking your shirt in doesn’t take a...

Birthday Announcements I hardly know you, but for some reason you’re telling me that today’s your birthday. How do you want me to react to this information? Am I now compelled to organize some sort of impromptu bonanza? Just because you don’t have anyone to make you feel special does not give you the right...

Used-Up Pens This process isn’t complicated: Purchase pen. Use pen. Dispose of pen. There’s no need to leave your chewed-up ballpoint around for posterity’s sake. Don’t you have some old Polaroids of girlfriends to cling to nostalgically? Throw the pen in the garbage and move on with your life. The apocalypse might come, the heavens...

Taking Pictures of Tourist Attractions I don’t have a problem with people wanting to see famous landmarks or taking pictures with their friends and family in front of them. But when I see tourists taking a picture of the Grand Canyon by itself, I have a strong inclination to kick them into it. What exactly...

The Vegetarian Option Mr. Parmesan Chicken sitting next to me is served a brownie for dessert and all I get is a piece of cantaloupe and half a grape? I paid the same price for my airplane ticket and yet the serving size of my vegetarian meal suggests that I am anorexic. They actually compensate...

Libraries There was a time when Utopian ideals, free love and sticking it to the man were all the rage; when libraries were a place for the free exchange of information and an incubator for ideas. But let’s face it, now, they’re pretty much homeless shelters. It’s time that they stop playing the higher knowledge-card,...

Fantasy Football While I’m impressed that you predicted that St. Louis Ram Steven Jackson would score a huge number of imaginary points, I’d really prefer that you shut up. Fantasy football is exactly what it claims to be: fantasy. And no one wants to hear about your fantasies except your analyst. Wake up and smell...