People Who Don’t Cover Their Mouths When They Cough If you slapped me in the face (lightly) as I walked past you at the intersection of Second Avenue and 11th Street you could be charged with assault and battery, but somehow you can cough in my face with impunity? What kind of world do we...

Comedians on NPR Recently, NPR has become the go-to place for top comedians to explain all the funny out of their material. Listing to everyone from Matt Stone to Sarah Silverman play along with droll, stuffy-nosed correspondents, earnestly pontificating about their “process” is a bigger buzz kill than a stillborn. Can NPR please leave the...

Little Girls With Lipstick Moms of America, I beg you: Stop putting makeup on your little girls. Your red-lipped three-year-olds don’t need pink nail polish to dig in the dirt for worms or run through a sprinkler. Do you know why women started wearing lipstick? The red color simulates how your lips naturally darken during...

Your Voice Mail Isn’t it enough that I endure the same ten muffled seconds of Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” song every time I get your voicemail? Must that be followed by a half-hour of automated exposition on how to leave a message? I don’t need to send a “numeric page” or “mark my call as urgent.”...

Paperclipping your Check to your Subscription Card Cut it out already. You put your check and business reply card together in an envelope and seal it. Period. Now you gotta paperclip them together like a paranoid schizophrenic? It’s a $22 dollar check, for God’s sake, not the cure for polio. You’re the same sick fuck...

Staying in the Closet Enough is enough. You’re thirty-plus and the overcompensating is getting to be a burden on us. I’m not going to set you up with straight chicks anymore. I’m just enabling. Gay life is better. Embrace it. Just think: You could be having a beautiful commitment ceremony in Cambridge this time next...

Girls Who Hang Out With Guys Cause Girls Are “Too Jealous” We’re not jealous. You see, men only sit through your bullshit because they want to insert themselves inside of you. They will listen to you say things like, “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual” or, “I try to keep a book of all the...

My Last Date I don’t mind paying, but don’t pretend I have a choice. Motioning oh-so-innocently toward your purse and asking me if you can pay half is not a sincere offer. Rather, it is a dual warning: If I let you pay half, I am a jerk, and when I decline to take your...

Costa Rica Now, I’ve got nothing against the people or even the land. The problem I have is with people who think they’re doing anything other than paying for the right to say they’re not at Miami Beach. You’re at a fucking Club Med, so drop the Indiana Jones routine. The closest you’re coming to...

The Dalai Lama That’s right, you smirking little bastard—you were listed as treyf opposite Dolly Parton in our Spring issue. What’s the matter? Not getting as much attention now that the Falun Gong started putting on puppet shows in Union Square? Or are you bummed ’cause you go through ghostwriters faster than Michael Jackson’s pantry...

Over-eager busboys “Get away from our plates!” We don’t care if there are only morsels left. You know, in many places in the world it’s actually bad manners for a busboy to lurk and wait to snatch up your plate the second you’re done. Maybe some Americans can’t stand looking at their supersized portions any...

Homies David Gonzalez says he created these one-inch tall plastic figurines with names such as “Big Vato,” “Dr. Bomba” and “El Grumpy” out of love, and we can only imagine that it was for the same reason that he created Palermos, a New York crime family with names like “Rocko the Trashman,” “No Problem Paulie”...