Urban Kvetch: “Untitled”
“Untitled” Oh, God, if I have to hear another band introduce a song by saying, “This song is called…’Untitled.’” Like words cannot convey the depths of your emotions—they may have been good enough for Wordsworth or Tennyson, but not you and your crappy rip-off of Franz Ferdinand. As if the names of your other songs...
Urban Kvetch: Paperclipping Your Check to Your Subscription Card
Paperclipping your Check to your Subscription Card Cut it out already. You put your check and business reply card together in an envelope and seal it. Period. Now you gotta paperclip them together like a paranoid schizophrenic? It’s a $22 dollar check, for God’s sake, not the cure for polio. You’re the same sick fuck...
Urban Kvetch: Staying in the Closet
Staying in the Closet Enough is enough. You’re thirty-plus and the overcompensating is getting to be a burden on us. I’m not going to set you up with straight chicks anymore. I’m just enabling. Gay life is better. Embrace it. Just think: You could be having a beautiful commitment ceremony in Cambridge this time next...
Urban Kvetch: Girls Who Hang Out With Guys Cause Girls Are “Too Jealous”
Girls Who Hang Out With Guys Cause Girls Are “Too Jealous” We’re not jealous. You see, men only sit through your bullshit because they want to insert themselves inside of you. They will listen to you say things like, “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual” or, “I try to keep a book of all the...
Urban Kvetch: My Last Date
My Last Date I don’t mind paying, but don’t pretend I have a choice. Motioning oh-so-innocently toward your purse and asking me if you can pay half is not a sincere offer. Rather, it is a dual warning: If I let you pay half, I am a jerk, and when I decline to take your...
Urban Kvetch: The Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama That’s right, you smirking little bastard—you were listed as treyf opposite Dolly Parton in our Spring issue. What’s the matter? Not getting as much attention now that the Falun Gong started putting on puppet shows in Union Square? Or are you bummed ’cause you go through ghostwriters faster than Michael Jackson’s pantry...
Bigmouth Strikes Again: An Oral Report
The Jewish woman's mouth has been an object of fascination in the American mind: from Sophie Tucker to Bette Midler. Nowadays, that fascination has taken a surprising turn. Rachel Shukert searches for answers in a story that is sure to make you want to gag.
Between Us
Nancy Schwartzman went to Jerusalem in 2000 to make a film about the Millennium and was raped. But when she returned to America, she realized her ordeal was just beginning. Heeb's senior editor tells a true story of hope, adversity and restoration.
Fetish Party
In the 1990s, Naomi Wolf brought sexiness to the feminist project, arguing that a woman's desire to be beautiful was keeping her down. In this interview with Ilana Arazie, she deconstructs the Jewish desire for communal purity.
Cut-up Artist
Short of dumping Jimmy Kimmel, there's nothing that comedienne Sarah Silverman could do to make us happier than gracing the cover of our first Sex Issue. Rob Feld talks to the star of the must-see feature film _Jesus is Magic_.
Horascopes
*Aries (March 21-April 19)* Starting in early October, every lawyer in New York whose name ends in a four-letter combination like “baum” will be tanned and rested from Easthampton, ready to both help and hinder your plans. To survive, rise above all the conniving and become air-headed and wispy like Michael Jackson. *Taurus (April 20-May...
Jewdar
*Chai-klops:* By the time you read this someone out there will be the proud owner of a piece of Jewish history: the eye patch of sabra, superstud *Moshe Dayan*, who lost his eye—one of only two in the original set—during the invasion of Vichy Lebanon. As much as tree-planting and falafel, the eye patch was...
