22 · The Future Issue

Urban Kvetch: Boston Drivers

Boston Drivers Look, it’s not like I don’t appreciate your letting me cross while you still have a green light. But you were the last car in line. I had my course timed to pass right behind you as you drove by at normal speed. Instead, your slowdown is a cue for me to scurry...

Urban Kvetch: Post-Flush Etiquette in Public Restrooms

Post-Flush Etiquette in Public Restrooms Why does a minute and a half elapse between the time you flush the toilet and actually exit the stall? What exactly are you doing in there for those extra 90 seconds? And don’t tell me you’re “adjusting” yourself? What are you “adjusting”? Tucking your shirt in doesn’t take a...

Urban Kvetch: Birthday Announcements

Birthday Announcements I hardly know you, but for some reason you’re telling me that today’s your birthday. How do you want me to react to this information? Am I now compelled to organize some sort of impromptu bonanza? Just because you don’t have anyone to make you feel special does not give you the right...

Urban Kvetch: Used-Up Pens

Used-Up Pens This process isn’t complicated: Purchase pen. Use pen. Dispose of pen. There’s no need to leave your chewed-up ballpoint around for posterity’s sake. Don’t you have some old Polaroids of girlfriends to cling to nostalgically? Throw the pen in the garbage and move on with your life. The apocalypse might come, the heavens...

Urban Kvetch: Taking Pictures of Tourist Attractions

Taking Pictures of Tourist Attractions I don’t have a problem with people wanting to see famous landmarks or taking pictures with their friends and family in front of them. But when I see tourists taking a picture of the Grand Canyon by itself, I have a strong inclination to kick them into it. What exactly...

D-I-Y Lox

This recipe is not just a great take on a classic—it’s also a terrific way to make your New Year’s resolutions stick. Trying to save money? Make your own lox instead of buying it at the overpriced gourmet store. Trying to cut calories? Use lox instead of ham when you’re cooking eggs Benedict. Trying to...

Robo-Schtupp

The year is 2020—the massage parlors are empty. Millions of dejected prostitutes have gone back to school. And Hasidic Jews all over the world are achieving sexual fulfillment within the confines of their own homes. What could have possibly brought about this radical transformation? The full-on, fully loaded sex robot. According to David Levy—author of...

Grave New World

Sitting down at the table with Howard Bloom, Mitchell Joachim, Daniel Pinchbeck and Douglas Rushkoff is worse than sitting down with your grandmother. At least your grandmother feeds you after she frightens you about where the world is headed.

Heaven’s Rejects

For many Christians, the Apocalypse represents a time when their beloved Savior will return and bring them to the big line dance in the sky; for the rest of us, the idea of “the end of days” sounds a little more like, well, the end of days. But maybe the rapture doesn’t have to be...

Shore Thing

I’m taking a piss in the foulest men’s room in Coney Island when Artemis Pebdani bursts in. Apparently unconcerned that I might consider the act of urination to be a private moment, the actress pulls a lighter and tightly-rolled joint out from her bra. Coney Island reminds her of her first acting gig: playing a...

Kid Soaked In Mother’s Milk

You’re ripped from your mother’s womb, denied her milk, stuffed in a crate for the remainder of your wretched days, then slaughtered, ground and shipped to upscale shoppes the world over. Well, upscale shoppes in those parts of the world that are cool with you, anyway. Even in death, young veal, you can’t find peace....

Death Becomes Him

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, deals with his own mortality.