19 · The Wasted Issue

Urban Kvetch: The Vegetarian Option

The Vegetarian Option Mr. Parmesan Chicken sitting next to me is served a brownie for dessert and all I get is a piece of cantaloupe and half a grape? I paid the same price for my airplane ticket and yet the serving size of my vegetarian meal suggests that I am anorexic. They actually compensate...

Urban Kvetch: Libraries

Libraries There was a time when Utopian ideals, free love and sticking it to the man were all the rage; when libraries were a place for the free exchange of information and an incubator for ideas. But let’s face it, now, they’re pretty much homeless shelters. It’s time that they stop playing the higher knowledge-card,...

Urban Kvetch: Fantasy Football

Fantasy Football While I’m impressed that you predicted that St. Louis Ram Steven Jackson would score a huge number of imaginary points, I’d really prefer that you shut up. Fantasy football is exactly what it claims to be: fantasy. And no one wants to hear about your fantasies except your analyst. Wake up and smell...

Urban Kvetch: Captcha

Captcha I want to select my item, submit my mailing address and credit card information and call it a day. I do not want to enter some gibberish code that’s impossible to decipher just because some a-holes are worried I might really be a computer. Today it took me nine tries to crack the nonsensical...

Urban Kvetch: “. . .”

“. . .” How come all of your emails end in “. . .”? What exactly are you trying to imply when you say that you “love my last name. . .” or “We should hang out…”? Your strategically placed form of punctuation is not endearing. It’s not some geeky pause. It’s just plain creepy....

Urban Kvetch: Ethnic Restaurant Demeanor

Ethnic Restaurant Demeanor During lunch at the taco stand you attempt to impress the white stoner serving second-rate burritos by commenting on how fresh the “awacados” are, with a sly smile. At the sushi restaurant that night you start pontificating about Japanese tea ceremonies. Are you expecting the waitress to take you into the kitchen...

The Adventures of a Jewish Hippie Festival Medic

Summary

Let’s Hear it for Grandpa!

Legendary cartoonist Bob Fingerman gives us a strip for the Wasted Issue. Click here to see the full comic.

Colby Bird

Colby Bird’s photographs and sculptures (featuring crack pipes, airplane alcohol bottles, and cocaine-smooth surfaces) lay bare a fascination with drug overindulgence and a kind of middleclass ostentation that is often baffling in its sincerity. Bird, who was raised in Texas and received his MFA from the Rhode Island School of Design in 2004, explains that...

Waste Management

Newspaper and cardboard can be recycled, but toilet paper cannot. In an average lifetime, a single human being will flush 4,249 rolls of paper down the toilet—and that doesn’t take into account the four layers you drape over the seat in public restrooms. In an effort to reduce our carbon footprint, Heeb offers you this...

_Music: I-LXXXIV_

This winter, Pressed Wafer Press will publish the second, long-awaited prose collection by poet-delinquent August Kleinzhaler, a selection of music reviews written for the San Diego Reader. Known for maligning the work of his peers as well as for the tipsy urban landscapes and titillating details of his poetry, Kleinzahler’s last prose work—a memoir of...

Actress Melissa Leo

Between the red hair and heartbreaking stare, you know you’ve seen Melissa Leo before, but you’re not quite sure where. Mabe her performance in 21 Grams? (Called “as good as it gets” by Manohla Dargis.) Was that her on Homicide? (“One of the most compellingly unglamorous characterizations in the history of American network TV,” claimed...