Watch the Game Highlights  You sit down on the edge of Ginsburg’s bed to watch highlights of the football game. Terrell Owens catches a touchdown pass for the Cowboys. You smile. That T.O. is one heck of a player, but, uh oh, the Giants are making a comeback. You feel your heart palpitate again....

Don’t Pardon Abramoff No matter how tempting the proposition is, you tell Abramoff that you’re going to have to pass on the library. Abramoff looks a bit more frail than usual, so you invite him to join you on your daily 3K jog—he could use some fresh air. He opts not to join you and...

Stand Up to Cheney Cheney’s crooked, maniacal grin shifts ever so slightly into a crooked, maniacal scowl. “Uh-oh,” he says. “Looks like I’m about to have another unfortunate hunting accident.” Illustration by Angela Dominguez Staring into the loaded barrel of your own mortality and knowing that your seconds on this earth are dwindling, you try...

The alarm clock goes off in the Lincoln Bedroom. Movers are barking at one other in the next room, a reminder that it’s the morning of January 20, 2009, and your final hours as President of the United States are approaching.  The past eight years haven’t been easy. There have been hurricanes, scandals and...

Hit the Snooze Button  Bzzt! That damn snooze button is going off again.  Do you: Hit snooze once more. OR Start your day.

Start Your Day You skim through your morning Intelligence Briefing: Satellite images show a Russian troop build-up in Western Georgia; a fast-moving wildfire about 30 miles east of San Diego is spreading; a report in the Washington Post claims that the Supreme Court is deadlocked on a recent case involving gay marriage. Do you: Begin...

Go to Prayer  You find a quiet corner in your bedroom, kneel down and prostrate yourself to the Lord. It was He who told you to give up a life of alcohol, drugs and pleasure-seeking. It was He who told you about his divine mission to bring peace to the Middle East by invading...

Computer Golf in the Study  Gosh darn, your study has been entirely packed up by the moving company, including your computer. Stacks of boxes fill the room. You open one of them. Aw, here’s the flight suit you wore for your televised arrival and speech on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and here’s Saddam Hussein’s...

Do the Lord’s Bidding The Secret Service drives you to Ginsburg’s house and hands you a set of keys. You get out of the car, take a deep breath and walk towards the front door. Your hands sweat. Your heart beats faster. Â You unlock the door and enter Ginsburg’s home. You look around. No...

Look in the Closet  You walk in the closet and much to your surprise you find yourself face-to-face with Vice President Cheney.  “Vice President Cheney, what are you doing here?” A startled Cheney looks around then quickly grabs hold of one of Laura’s gowns. “Uh. . .I just wanted to see how it...

Tushy-Shtup, noun, verb (from the yiddish “tuchis” and “shtup”) 1. Anal intercourse. 2. To screw someone over. Al Gore produced a $100 million documentary and won an Oscar as well as the Nobel Prize, so the tushy-shtup he received from Florida’s corrupt recount process in 2000 was really the best thing that could have ever...

“What is art to you?” I’m silent for a moment. Not because I’m thinking hard about the question—at least not at first—but rather, because my first inclination upon being asked is an attempt to deduce whether or not Art Spiegelman is fucking with me. It’s a fair question, I suppose, and one that has painted...