18 · The Politics Issue

Urban Kvetch: My Yoga Instructor

My Yoga Instructor With your dark hair pulled back, smoldering eyes, scrupulous Ashtanga technique and mild scent of patchouli, you, sir, are a walking cliche(from the ’90s no less), yet when you told me after class in your brooding, dead-ringer-for-Banderas baritone that next time I was holding a difficult pose that I should “feel free...

Urban Kvetch: Catholic School Girls

Catholic School Girls Who was the genius who thought up dressing Catholic school girls as Catholic school girls? Like the Gap is just too revealing for your precious daughter—instead, dress her up in a seethrough blouse, mini-skirt and knee-high socks. Real incognito. That’ll help her to focus on the studies. Why don’t you just put...

Urban Kvetch: Stamps

Stamps Am I seriously standing here on line while you contemplate whether to go with a book of Liberty Bells, American Scientists or Beautiful Blooms? It’s a postage stamp, not the name of your next child. Is your sense of self so fragile and so in need of constant bolstering that you need a one-inch-by-one-inch...

Urban Kvetch: People Who Don’t Cover Their Mouths When They Cough

People Who Don’t Cover Their Mouths When They Cough If you slapped me in the face (lightly) as I walked past you at the intersection of Second Avenue and 11th Street you could be charged with assault and battery, but somehow you can cough in my face with impunity? What kind of world do we...

Urban Kvetch: Comedians on NPR

Comedians on NPR Recently, NPR has become the go-to place for top comedians to explain all the funny out of their material. Listing to everyone from Matt Stone to Sarah Silverman play along with droll, stuffy-nosed correspondents, earnestly pontificating about their “process” is a bigger buzz kill than a stillborn. Can NPR please leave the...

Urban Kvetch: Little Girls with Lipstick

Little Girls With Lipstick Moms of America, I beg you: Stop putting makeup on your little girls. Your red-lipped three-year-olds don’t need pink nail polish to dig in the dirt for worms or run through a sprinkler. Do you know why women started wearing lipstick? The red color simulates how your lips naturally darken during...

Urban Kvetch: Your Voice Mail

Your Voice Mail Isn’t it enough that I endure the same ten muffled seconds of Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” song every time I get your voicemail? Must that be followed by a half-hour of automated exposition on how to leave a message? I don’t need to send a “numeric page” or “mark my call as urgent.”...

_Heeb_ Presents:


_Heeb_ Presents:

Obey “God,” Kill Ginsberg You inch closer to Ginsburg with the pillow. She’s sleeping like a baby. Just as you’re about cover her face, she’s awakened by a commercial for Carnival Cruise. Her eyes widen at the sight of the pillow, she pivots on the bed and delivers a roundhouse kick that lifts you off...

_Heeb_ Presents:

You Push the Button  You take a deep breath and push the button, your hand shaking more than you thought it would. “What the—?” you mutter as the White House garage door opens. “Gotcha!” Rumsfeld roars, as he jabs you jokingly in the shoulder. “Now go get your wallet,” he implores you. The End....

_Heeb_ Presents:

Watch the Game Highlights  You sit down on the edge of Ginsburg’s bed to watch highlights of the football game. Terrell Owens catches a touchdown pass for the Cowboys. You smile. That T.O. is one heck of a player, but, uh oh, the Giants are making a comeback. You feel your heart palpitate again....

_Heeb_ Presents:

Don’t Pardon Abramoff No matter how tempting the proposition is, you tell Abramoff that you’re going to have to pass on the library. Abramoff looks a bit more frail than usual, so you invite him to join you on your daily 3K jog—he could use some fresh air. He opts not to join you and...