16 · The Hollywood Issue

Urban Kvetch: Hotel Key Cards

Hotel Key Cards Yes, my key card did go near “a cell phone and/or credit card.” I guess that’s why it got de-magnetized, forcing me to trudge through the 50-degree casino in flip-flops and a sopping wet bathing suit all the way to the front desk. Thanks for sparing me the inconvenience of twisting a...

Urban Kvetch: “I Might Make It”

“I Might Make It” The response that frequently oozes from the mouths of self-centered social-climbers who are unable to confirm their Sunday plans on Saturday. Perhaps I’m just being petty. After all, how can I possibly expect the assistant to the publicist who knows the casting agent behind Tim Burton’s latest project to make a...

Urban Kvetch: Clipboard People

Clipboard People Soliciting for a cause outside cafes where poor writers with left-leaning ideologies and hair-trigger guilt complexes go to eke out existences? No thanks, I’ll skip the gut punch to my self-worth as I shake my head, put my hands in my pockets and slink back to my apartment to call my disappointed mother...

Urban Kvetch: “Just a Tweak”

“Just a Tweak” Many words should be struck from the Hollywood lexicon (“passion” comes to mind), but nothing makes me wince like the use of “tweak.” If you want a page-one rewrite, just say so and stop giving me this “We love it! We’d just like a couple tweaks” crap. Do you think my self-esteem...

Urban Kvetch: Horror Remakes

Horror Remakes For the love of Romero, stop with the scary movie remakes before I kill somebody. Was it really necessary to crank out another When a Stranger Calls just because we now have cell phones? Did we need that douche from Van Wilder to lead the way for yet another Amityville installment? After watching...

Urban Kvetch: Baby Bumps

Baby Bumps When Mr. Show dreamt up the cynical notion of a prenatal fashion show, the targets were rednecks in the post-JonBenet era. But in fact, the Hollywood elite and their parasitic tabloid culture have become the serial fetus fetishizers. If I read one more creepy headline about Nicole Kidman or Jessica Alba finally showing...

Urban Kvetch: My Belly

My Belly Hello, hairy stranger. I don’t recall inviting you to block my view of my penis for the past decade. Yes, I know that nobody pointed a gun to my head and forced me to march to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. But it’s just too easy to bloat up in this starchy, sugary, Netflix-y...

Urban Kvetch: Greedy Wi-Fi Owners

Greedy Wi-Fi Owners Do you sleep better knowing your less fortunate neighbors and the patron at the downstairs café can’t get their claws on your personal stash of the World Wide Web? Why else would you opt to require a password to enter your network? Well, hopefully one of these nights, The Ghost of Internet...

The Many Faces of Iris

Most recognizable for her portrayal of the Orthodox daughter of a kidney-transplant consortium manager on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Iris Bahr isnothing like that snippy prude who gets stuck on a ski lift with Larry David. The actress is free-spirited and straightforward, and, judging from her recent memoir, Dork Whore, which documents her bygone days backpacking...

_Mister Lonely_

By Pamela Chelin In the late ’90s, writer/director Harmony Korine (Kids, Gummo, Julien Donkey-Boy) was the “it” boy of New York’s downtown scene. To escape the spotlight, he moved to London and then to Paris where he found darkness amid the City of Lights—during a difficult period, he decided that he never wanted to make another...

Weekend Warriors

Summary

As Time Goes By

For writer Michael Green, Casablanca was more than just a great film. It was the only thing tying him to a bygone romance with his high school tutor.