15 · The Goy Issue

Urban Kvetch: Skin Bronzer

Skin Bronzer Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, “How sad.” Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make you look like an alien with a skin cancer fetish. Furthermore, there is nothing un-sexier than waking up from a night of passion to...

Urban Kvetch: Seinfeld References

Seinfeld References Don’t assume that because I’m a Jewish New Yorker I know what you’re talking about when you say, “It’s like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!” and squeal with delight, pointing to my down jacket. Okay, maybe I have seen that Seinfeld episode, but come on—after 1,000 years of syndication, isn’t it time...

Urban Kvetch: The Homeless Guy In Union Square Who Asks Me If I Can Spare A Penny

The Homeless Guy In Union Square Who Asks Me If I Can Spare A Penny Who do you think you’re dealing with here? This is like trying to hit Superman with a baseball bat. My guilt-o-meter has been calibrated by pitch-perfect childhood angst. Come on. You don’t really want a penny. You want me to...

Urban Kvetch: Fat Personal Trainers

Fat Personal Trainers Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who’s actually in shape? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on is the spitting image of Ernest Borgnine. In fact, the only thing less inspiring is...

Urban Kvetch: Pasadena

Pasadena If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this’d be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I’ve got a giant sign that says, “God is Still Speaking” looming outside my bedroom window. They shot The Graduate...

Urban Kvetch: Girls Who “Already Ate”

Girls Who “Already Ate” I order a big hunk of lasagna and you get a house salad because you “already ate.” Excuse me? Either you’re a bitch for putting me through six different e-mail exchanges dedicated to finding a mutually acceptable restaurant in a mutually accessible location or you’re lying to cover for an eating...

Femme Retail

On the television series Mad Men, Rachel Menken is a second-generation Manhattan merchant who gives her father’s department store an overhaul. In season one of the Eisenhower-era drama, which aired on AMC earlier this year, the workaholic abandons her dad’s bargain-basement demo- graphic and seeks the uptown dollars that have been loyal to Bloomingdale’s and...

Marxist Theory

It’s no coincidence that Samm Levine’s character on the fabulous but now defunct television series Freaks and Geeks was obsessed with the comedic masterwork of the Marx Brothers. Growing up a severe asthmatic, the actor spent a wealth of his childhood indoors and sick in bed, where the New Jerseyan found ample time to watch...

Hijinx

Comic artist Evan Dorkin offers readers an unusual recipe.

It’s A Mad Mad World

“Something is very wrong with me,” says Frank Einstein in the first issue of Mike Allred’s cult-classic comic book series, _Madman_, published sporadically since the early ’90s. Frank’s insecurity stems from his being previously dead, then brought back to life—with no memory and with scars that make him look like Frankenstein’s monster’s cuter brother—by mad...

The Accidental Shiksa

No, she doesn't just play one on TV. Cheryl Hines as you've never seen her before.

The Secret Life of Shabbos Goys

What shadowy figures warm the dinners and light the homes of Orthodox Jews on the Sabbath? Adam Bright delves into the world of the goys behind the curtain.