11 · The Food Issue

Urban Kvetch: Your Friend’s One-Woman Show

Your Friend’s One-Woman Show You failed to mention that the one-woman, off-off-Broadway show you invited me to last Thursday night was being presented by a friend of yours. Yeah, you managed to omit that part until we sat down amidst the six or seven other friends and relatives obliged to attend. You know what? I’ve...

Urban Kvetch: Habitat For Humanity

Habitat For Humanity You took a five-and-a-half hour flight to New Orleans, spent a four-day weekend at the Marriot and hammered three nails into a piece of wood. Don’t tell me how great it feels to “give something back.” You could’ve done more good just by donating the price of the flight, hotel and overalls....

Urban Kvetch: The Death of Adverbs

The Death of Adverbs No, I won’t “play fair.” I refuse to “get home safe.” Hogtie me Gitmo-style and I still won’t “think different.” Rage, I say, rage against the dying of the adverb! This stately part of speech is taking a beating from the globalization of English, text-messaging and white-boy Ebonics. Deadliest by far,...

Urban Kvetch: My Ex-Girlfriend

My Ex-Girlfriend We broke up amicably. You aren’t seeing anybody and neither am I. And you wouldn’t be giving up anything that you haven’t already. We have done this before since our breakup, so what’s the big deal? I consider this to be the most important factor in determining whether every breakup is actually an...

Urban Kvetch: Hospital Roomates

Hospital Roommates So, you’ve got some horrible illness that lands you in the hospital and puts you in a perpetual state of discomfort. What a great time to get to meet “Arnie,” your new roommate. Who was the architectural genius with the insight to make every hospital room double-occupancy? Did it not occur to anybody...

Urban Kvetch: Two Dimes and a Nickel

Two Dimes and a Nickel The ice cream comes out to $4.50. I give you a five and you give me a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. Are you rationing for some pinball war I should know about? You’ve got plenty of quarters left in the register. It’s common fucking courtesy. If you don’t...

Urban Kvetch: Our Founding Fathers

Our Founding Fathers Just because they dressed like dorks it doesn’t mean they would’ve been Republican assholes like you if they were around today. You think because Jefferson believed in “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” he’d be “pro-life”? You think that because Ben Franklin liked to shoot at deer in the woods he’d...

Why?

According to Susan Lukas, author of Where to Start and What to Ask, why is a "confrontational word,an antagonistic word that seeks accountability."So it's telling that Yoni Wolf, a Berkeley, California.eccentric chose Why? as his moniker—essentially, Yoni and his music are one big collective question posed to the indie rock scene. And with every record...

Booty Calls

Whether it’s number one, number two or some hellacious hybrid thereof, using public restrooms can be, pardon the pun, a real pain in the ass. We’re all used to the comforts of our bathrooms at home—fuzzy toilet seat, your favorite magazine, milk and honey scented hand soap—and there’s nothing that makes us feel dirtier than...

Read It and Eat

From abalone to zwieback, we tasted every food on the entire planet and came up with a list of the only 50 that really matter.

Borscht Belt Horror

You can run…you can hide…this is the soup that eats you alive. If you’ve never been to the Catskills, now is not the time to visit. Peter Svarzbein’s stills of Heeb‘s first horror film. !http://www.heebish.com/files/photos/4/large/650.jpg!=center !http://www.heebish.com/files/photos/4/large/652.jpg!=center !http://www.heebish.com/files/photos/4/large/651.jpg!=center

No Chopped Liver

There was the time I gave a poop sandwich to my rabbi. It was at the confirmation class picnic in my backyard and I was 16 years old—old enough to know it wasn’t funny. But I thought he would understand. I thought we had connected on some level, in some corner of our minds that...