10 · The Money Issue

Urban Kvetch: Bathroom Attendants

Bathroom Attendants It’s one thing if a guy goes and picks up your car for you or carries your luggage to your room, but it’s entirely another when he’s solely turning the water on and off. Is there some human being out there who would ever say to themselves: “Man, this public restroom experience would...

Urban Kvetch: Dating Profiles

Dating Profiles Do me a favor and just leave the essay section blank next time. No one needs to hear you go on about how you’re as comfortable “out on the town” as you are “at home and watching videos.” There is no one on this site who doesn’t like both. There is no one...

Urban Kvetch: Your 4-Year-Old

Your 4-Year-Old No, I don’t want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I’m covered. And I’m no authority on the subject, but I imagine that 30 seconds worth of “ah…ah…ah…um” can only...

Urban Kvetch: Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children’s Drawings

Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children’s Drawings I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children’s drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid’s picture in a movie—like of a shark with pointy teeth. Or when there’s an ad in a magazine for school supplies and “pencils” is written on a chalkboard and the...

Urban Kvetch: “Can You Make A Living With That”

“Can You Make A Living With That?” Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to pay the rent with my art? And why doesn’t it cross your mind...

Urban Kvetch: Fast Food Nationalism

Fast Food Nationalism If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don’t talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don’t care about the rat feces inside it or how the cow was executed to make...

Urban Kvetch: Cell Phone Broadcasting

Cell Phone Broadcasting I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I’m missing. Great, there’s not enough static in the digital version I already have of “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground” (plus my stereo doesn’t cut out during guitar solos)....

Urban Kvetch: Fleas

Fleas My cats Mookie and Cleo had fleas this week. I really felt for the cats, because they had bugs biting them and shit, but I felt a lot worse for myself. Turns out a single flea can lay about 30,000 eggs, so I had to remove the pets from the premises and flea-bomb the...

Preaching to the Buyer

Reverend Billy (aka Bill Talen) and his Church of Stop Shopping are branching out.

Hostel Takeover

Eli Roth explains his penchant for fabricated blood and guts by recounting his sensationally unconventional bar mitzvah party in which a magician pretended to saw the young Roth in half—a grotesque symbolic act, which was followed by a screening of the classic slasher film _Mother’s Day_. Besides foreshadowing Roth’s career trajectory, the anecdote demonstrates a...

Lisa Loeb

(excerpted from original article) When I’m finally introduced to the folk singer, I make a sympathetic remark about how hard it seems to be back in the saddle again. Loeb looks at me sharply behind her signature geek glasses and responds, “Back? I never stopped.” And in truth, she hasn’t. When her label sent me...

The Corvette

An English teacher in Krakow remembers two blissful hours roaring along the New Jersey Turnpike and the moment he decided what was truly worthwhile. New fiction by Gordon Haber.