Heeb

Dr. Suzy’s Porn & Purim—DVD Bacchanal opens with a shot of the title character, Dr. Suzy, standing in the backroom of a nightclub, decked out in what looks like a pirate hat and a sparkling, blue bikini. In one hand, she holds a live snake, in the other she clutches a long rubber dildo.

As I popped the disc into my DVD player, I expected a brief tip of the yarmulke to Esther and Vashti and then a whole lot of gelt shots. But that’s not what happens. As it turns out, Dr. Suzy’s Porn & Purim is a little bit of porn, and a whole lotta Purim. Can the Jewish universe not even figure out the formula for making a porno?

For the first hour and a half, Dr. Suzy tells the story of Purim. Let me repeat that; she narrates the entire story of Purim. For an hour and a half. Only Dr. Suzy is not reading from an actual Megillah or even a script, she’s just rambling. There’s some nudity in the background while this is transpiring, but not one decent sex scene.

If I haven’t yet sold you on this amazing cinematic experience, allow me to explicate further. Dr. Suzy is the only actor with a real speaking part, which mostly amounts to telling people what to do and where to go while bad techno music plays in the background. (It’s like a horrible acid trip in Tel Aviv!) The only other speaking part belongs to Haman, courageously played by an African-American actor, who shouts "Hey-Man!" every time Dr. Suzy refers to him. Watching this porn was like sitting in shul for hours on end, waiting impatiently for Haman to die so that you can go home and eat some triangle-shaped cookies.

To make matters worse, Dr. Suzy hands the role of Vashti to the far more attractive actress and gives the role of Esther to the heavily tattooed uggo. Dr. Suzy does let Vashti strip a little, but then we are forced to spend the rest of the evening with Esther, who I suspect has a learning disability or two. The only direction she seems capable of taking is when Dr. Suzy tells her to kneel down and touch the King’s golden scepter. Spoiler alert: The golden scepter is King Ahasuerus’ dick! (It should be noted, that the actor who played King Ahasuerus did an excellent job getting excited every time a woman took her clothes off in front of him, which I imagine is exactly how the real King Ahasuerus acted.)

All in all, I give this porno one out of five yellow stars, which makes it pretty much the worst Purim porno I’ve ever seen.