The Bar Refaeli Masturbation Guide: Which Cover Is Right For You?
Last night, the rumors were confirmed when Sports Illustrated revealed their new cover featuring Israeli model Bar Refaeli, who is also currently on the side of the SI plane.
With fellow Heeb lady of ’69, Esti Ginzburg, also appearing in the issue, we’re certainly the proud (perverted) parents these days. But enough patting ourselves on the back. It’s time to ask the question that’s really on everyone’s mind: Which cover shot of Refaeli is a better depository for your DNA?
In the pros column for Heeb:
- Refaeli’s slightly open, beckoning mouth
- A girl-next-door bathing suit complete with a tiny pink bow suggesting the present within—just waiting to be unwrapped
- A belly button ring, which hints at a wild side
In the pros column for SI:
- A better boob shot
- Refaeli is in the act of bikini bottom removal. The subtle tan line made my heart skip a beat.
- In addition to Refaeli, there are three other photos of hotties scattered about the cover so that on the off chance your eyes wander, they might safely land on another miniature swimsuit model. It makes me crave a lesbian bondage version of Gulliver’s Travels.
In the cons column for Heeb:
- Giant lobsters. I don’t know about you but I don’t need castration anxiety while I’m try to tug one out.
- The decidedly "good girl" position Refaeli has her legs in
In the cons column for SI:
- The super sexy birthmark on Refaeli’s stomach has been air-brushed out, making me wonder what else has been changed in the photo.
- Fucking ugly jewelry that reminds me of my grandmother.
In conclusion, if you’re a repressed homosexual with no imagination, the Sports Illustrated cover is right for you. If you want to fantasize about saving the beautiful Refaeli from the claws of angry treyf lobsters and having her reward you with hours of mind blowing fellatio, Heeb’s cover is right for you.
comments
submit a comment02.12.09 at 10:02 pm
So, Sports Illustrated it is then? :P
02.13.09 at 1:02 am
nah its HEEB. definitely. so classy. so innocent. she’s got the whole virgin goddess look going for her.
SI is completely unoriginal with their skanky spray tanned airbrushed barbie stylings. LAME.
02.14.09 at 12:02 am
The Dreidel Hustler couldn’t have done a better job reporting on this important matter. Good job Oliwood.
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