Guys Who Put Their Hand On Your Back As They Pass In A Crowded Party This party is packed and it’s hard to get over to the bar, so I know just what you should do: Take your sweaty paw and touch the magic little button on the small of my back that miraculously clears...

Flaunt Magazine We were actually kind of flattered when we heard about your Jewish Issue—after all, we’ve been giving the lowdown on the hoedown between Jewish and popular cultures for the past five years. Then we took a look at what you came up with: Sarah Silverman, the Beastie Boys, Kinky Friedman… hmmm, that sounds...

Five Minutes Away Where do you get the nerve to tell me that you’re only “five minutes away” when you already told me you were “five minutes away” 15 minutes ago? Can you at least tell me how much longer you’ll be five minutes away? If I had known what you meant the first time,...

New York Times Columnist Deborah Solomon Grouchy journalism, thy name is Deborah Solomon. I’m all for writers having their own voice, but Solomon’s interview style is akin to that of an angry heckler sitting in a movie theater, shouting out commentary. Her own biases are so evident that the reader learns nothing about the interview...

People Who Tell You Their Dreams So you dreamt you were underneath the Eiffel Tower wearing a wedding dress and holding a key in your hand. And now you’re asking me what I think it means. I think it means you’re a self-centered squeeb with too much time on her hands. Why do you think...

Bathroom Attendants It’s one thing if a guy goes and picks up your car for you or carries your luggage to your room, but it’s entirely another when he’s solely turning the water on and off. Is there some human being out there who would ever say to themselves: “Man, this public restroom experience would...

Dating Profiles Do me a favor and just leave the essay section blank next time. No one needs to hear you go on about how you’re as comfortable “out on the town” as you are “at home and watching videos.” There is no one on this site who doesn’t like both. There is no one...

Your 4-Year-Old No, I don’t want to talk to your 4-year-old on the phone. Their voice is cute, but my friend Jim imitates a good toddler character and he curses when he does it, so I’m covered. And I’m no authority on the subject, but I imagine that 30 seconds worth of “ah…ah…ah…um” can only...

Graphic Artists Who Imitate Children’s Drawings I hate when graphic artists or set designers imitate children’s drawings and lettering. Like when they show a kid’s picture in a movie—like of a shark with pointy teeth. Or when there’s an ad in a magazine for school supplies and “pencils” is written on a chalkboard and the...

“Can You Make A Living With That?” Where do you get the gall to how ask me how I support myself as an artist, you passive-aggressive fuck? Do you mean to imply that it is inconceivable that I would be able to pay the rent with my art? And why doesn’t it cross your mind...

Fast Food Nationalism If you read Fast Food Nation or have seen Super Size Me, I want to give you a tip: Don’t talk to me about it over fast food. I just want to eat my burger. I don’t care about the rat feces inside it or how the cow was executed to make...

Cell Phone Broadcasting I get annoyed when my friends call me from rock concerts and hold up their cell phones so I can hear what I’m missing. Great, there’s not enough static in the digital version I already have of “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground” (plus my stereo doesn’t cut out during guitar solos)....